well, obviously some things are straightening themselves out in the deeps of my head. i had this ‘bizarro world’ dream… you know the kind, the ‘never in a gah-zillion years would this ever happen’ dreams… the ones you get that signal something is being packaged for permanent storage. well. that’s what i tell myself anyway. no other option is acceptable.
i leave work to go home for the day. i walk from the building to the parking lot and as i approach the truck, someone moves and catches my eye. someone is resting against a car parked in the back corner of the lot. i notice the car first. it is a vw beetle. blue.
then i actually look at the person walking toward me.
it is a freeze frame moment. i can’t move. i’ve stopped breathing. my heart is all up in my throat and i can’t move because two halves of me are at war. one half is screaming bloody murder, ‘Run. Run you fool. Get away. Go. Go. Go. NOW!’ and the other half is so absolutely surprised that movement is physically impossible.
so i stand there like an idiot as they walk right up to me, stopping just outside the boundary of personal space. stand there. watching me. waiting for some kind of response.
i start to stagger sideways and catch myself. finally the paralysis is broken. reason asserts itself. there is no possible reason this person could be here. would be here. why are they here?
so i ask, and amazingly, my voice is steady, calm, and without inflection, ‘why are you here?’
i’d give anything to know what they are thinking. the silence stretches to the point of foolishness. all the possible premutations of how… why… they fly through my head and are discarded one after the other as completely inane, insane.
i can think of no reason. and all the things i’ve worked so hard to stop hurting for are hammering on the door of my mind, screaming for a chance to race over my tongue.
no. no more. i will not hurt for this anymore. i say it to myself, internally. then i say it aloud, slowly, quietly, carefully, ‘no. no more. i will not hurt for this anymore.’
and i turn and walk to my truck, unlock the door, get in, flip the latch and close it behind me. key in the ignition. preparing to turn it…
a knock on my window, a voice, halting and unsure, ‘will you wait? i just want to talk to you.’
by now my mind is gone. internally, i’m falling apart. why… why now? why now when i am finally able to forget? why now when i am finally able to accept how impossible it is? all the many, many ways of its infinite impossibility? why now?
the logical part of me locks down the emotion, dryly intoning into the internal monologue, ‘they wouldn’t be here if it were impossible, now would they?’
full. stop.
‘you’re absolutely correct. and they aren’t.’
wide awake, staring at the ceiling, i lay there and pondered it for a time. laughing at myself and crying as well. then, i leaned over, switched off the alarm, and got up to get ready for work.
deliberately waited to write about it until tonight. let it simmer all day, then, now, letting it go.
well. almost. this ache doesn’t mind so well. but it will be gone someday. i’m learning how to look forward to it.