there is so much thankfulness here for Buddhism. when suffering, in any moment, one can turn to its wisdoms and find, if not peace, at least a sense of possibility for it.
this is a merry time of year for many, and i smile to see many around me enjoying it. but in truth, it is a dark season here.
i know it is just perspective. i know it is looking too closely at the things that hurt and not close enough at the things that help or heal.
i do not know why i choose it. nor do i know why i cannot stop.
it brings a sense of despair. i close myself off and turn inward, taking the things i find in the tradition and meditating on them. trying. trying.
this latest found is my company for the night, the four powers that transmute suffering:
The Power of Support – Outer Support is meditation on Vajrasattva as one’s teacher. Inner Support is taking refuge, turning the mind towards enlightenment (and away from samsaric endeavors) and development of immeasurable compassion for the suffering of all sentient beings.
The Power of Regret – Sincere remorse for having committed negative actions.
The Power of Resolution – Vowing not to commit such harmful actions in the future.
The Power of Action as an Antidote – Developing a sincere aspiration to practice the true Dharma and cultivate bodhicitta even at the risk of one’s life.
but i do not understand why meditation and contemplation on these things make me feel worse. it just seems like it makes me cry. most of my time at home these days is spent weeping. but it isn’t for me. most of the time.
it just seems like the more i think on these things, the more i see all the hurt and suffering in the world and the more i see it all, the more i hurt for it.
i remember my local teacher telling me that taking on such suffering is a goal. and finding the way to be empty toward it all is the key.
i can’t help but think i’m failing miserably in all ways. but i soothe myself with the knowledge that remorse is here, resolution is as well, action (or in this case, non-action as antidote) also thrives, and there has not been a moment since taking refuge that i have not turned in every way toward outer, inner, and secret.
is this why i cry all the time? i don’t even know. but i sure wish i could find that emptiness. the pain is killing me.
maybe that’s the point. death to ego? sigh. so lost.