i don’t make new year’s resolutions. it’s always seemed odd to me to wait until one day a year, make a bunch of promises, then (usually) immediately break them shortly thereafter.
( recorded version available here: new-year-and-dream.mp3 )
i understand the concept. the end of the year, cycle turning to the new, wheel almost back to the start position, anything possible, etc.
i understand the hopefulness of it, and why a good bit of our culture wants to think there is something ‘special’ or ‘magical’ about the chance for success of a promise made on the eve of a new year.
anyway. i don’t ‘do’ new year’s resolutions. however, i do ‘do’ resolution as a means of shifting direction. and of purposing to more or better than i’ve allowed previously… for myself or for others.
i am coming up on an important anniversary. the anniversay of the day i discovered The Dharma in this life. it happens to coincide with another anniversary i would prefer to forget, but i do not think it possible. i think because of the circumstances of it, and how the two are related, i will have to remember both, even as i keep them well segregated in my mind.
i suppose it will be a good opportunity to practice indiscriminate view of it all. neither are ‘good’… neither are ‘bad’… they simply… are.
anyway. i keep trying to sidetrack myself from this. heh. you may find a lot of ‘anyways’ in this post. sorry ’bout that.
anyw… no… heh. just kidding.
i’m trying to figure out what to ‘do’ tonight. if anything.
i’m not a drinker. i don’t ‘enjoy’ the idea of being inebriated and out of control at the arrival of the new year. i suppose i could go people watch… but that just seems cruel somehow.
i’m not a dancer. the years in the wheelchair and arthritis pretty well insure my dancing today is confined to the ‘chair dance’ (you know the one, boogie down like you would flat burn UP a carpet or dance floor).
i kind of wish a certain new friend were closer. it would be nice to spend the new year just sitting at the local bookstore or on the beach and talking with them.
oh.
oh my. silly me. of course!
the beach.
well. that’s decided.
as for accomplishments this year… i very likely will spend some time looking back just long enough to get a feel for the reality that i was not wholly unproductive this year. beyond that, no real need to identify them. less so even for the things at which i did not succeed or find accomplishment (them not being the same).
i was talking with a friend the other night, and they told me they only had two resolutions for this year…. that they resolve some lingering debt from their ex (done) and that they not be alone in their front yard for the next dawn of the new year.
i invited them to come spend it with me. but, frankly, i suppose it’s too short notice to manage such a thing. which irks. i’d surely fly out. or have them fly in. but the airlines … man, talk about expensive travel. the short notice flight is their favorite thing. heh.
anyway.
today will be grocery shopping at long last. the fridge seems to be working properly after the landlord sent someone to tinker with it, and i can now rest fairly assured that eggs, milk, and other perishables won’t be frozen solid. so in this moment, i’m thinking, ‘what do i want to cook for my first meal in this place… which also just so happens to be my last meal of this year…. and perhaps even the first meal of the new one?’
not that i’m putting any pressure on the meal or myself, mind you. (grin) i’m as likely to have soup and toast as some spectacular roast something or the other. like i said, i’m still deciding.
i had a dream last night that someone arrived unexpectly, deciding to take me up on a standing offer for a visit. they called me and said simply, ‘i’m here. come get me.’ and i said, ‘you’re KIDDING!’ they thought i was unhappy, and immediately started shuffling verbally and stuttering. so i had to interrupt and tell them how awesome and amazing and omg-i’m-on-my-way-what-gate-and-wow-wow-wow-wow! i was for it. heh. then things were alright.
i literally raced to the airport, certain the police would stop me for speeding, and grimacing internally for the tag and registration i still haven’t been able to afford to change. i’m literally riding on karma’s good graces at the moment. she’s been kind.
anyway… (hah. the editor grins.)
i get there and rush to the gate and there they are… grinning like me. i call it my ‘jackass eating briars’ grin. the image is perfect.
i rush them. tackle hug. tight. eyes-closed-tight. crying happy and not caring who sees it. ‘i am SO GLAD you came!’ shivery response. i laugh. giddy, happy, smiling. release them to look up into their eyes. chocolate brown. just a touch of what might have been trying to turn orange.
drinking them in and letting them do the same.
for a time, we just stand there, basking in the warmth of shared care. then… suddenly, we both realize we’re standing there grinning like fools at one another, the world around us completely set aside. and together, we laugh. long, loud. people look, but they don’t wonder… the grins and aura around us create soft smiles of recognition for them.
they giggle at me as they heft the overnighter, ‘you thought i wouldn’t dare… didn’t you?’ i laugh, ‘no, i hoped you would!’ again, stereo laughter from toes to torso bubbles up and out. we hold hands and walk to the exit, swinging our arms like kids on the playground.
the act of stepping out into the sunlight woke me.
hmm. stepping out into the sunlight.
yes. i think that is very much the feeling of this moment. the year is ending, all things considered, i’m not unhappy to see it do so, and the feeling of warmth and infinite possibility that shines is like sunlight on my skin.
and the beach is going to be delightful.
anyway…. (smile)