i should be sleeping. but i cannot until i get this out of my head and placed here. this likely will not make any sense whatever to anyone not in the situation, but that’s ok. those who get it will, and those who don’t likely do not need to do so.
i am taking a refresher course from the university of life on the methods of the healing arts and how best to render them. it proves a delightful process, as many things are being confirmed that had, of late, been soundly, roundly derided and disdained. so much so that i had begun to question things that were core parts of life as i know it.
i find the refresher course accomplishes many things, not the least of which is a very gentle and kind confirmation, and a complete and utter conviction of all that sought to unravel and judge such things as anything other than mindful, proper, and worthwhile as undeserved.
from demonstrations of this in action to the revisiting of two who were in the thick of the nightmare, the universe sends so many validations of direction and purpose that i am almost embarrassed for how fully they arrive.
one in particular has been deeply meaningful to me. someone who, thanks to the cruelty and manipulations of the self-absorbed, had written me off entirely has returned… and, in undertaking for themselves a quiet investigation, discovered of things, of me, such as to bring them to me in sincere, quiet, and abashed apology for the many coldnesses and cuts given in that time.
it was always so hurtful to have judgments laid against me undeservedly and with such carelessness. harder still to accept that such things were actually preferred by those dealing them. they had no interest in more than this, could not allow themselves to deal the kindness they were so eager to condemn me for lacking.
i recall in particular one person who, conveniently cloistered behind a veil, named me smug and pompous, self-righteous and patronizing. anyone who in any way knows me laughs to hear of it… and several who were there in those moments admit to seeing more clearly those traits in the accuser than here. it is a comfort, albeit longer in arriving than wished.
i am still sad for it, even as the sting of it only now begins to fade. so unnecessary. so pointless. petty games of control and power that i never cared about… i consider it now, and wonder why such choices are preferred by some. and how ironic that in the end, these same ones who most vehemently insisted i wanted control demonstrated that their only interest was control and… if they could not have it… they didn’t want to be around whatever.
irony indeed. most profound. people project onto others that which they most detest of themselves or that which they most admire of themselves. which they choose depends upon how much focus they give to either. is it not sad that there are those who, with the choice before them, choose so often to project their fears rather than their hopes?
one of these, upon receiving a note from me containing concern for them, turned upon me and issued such vicious condemnations of intent that i can no longer as much as think to ever again reach out to them. it is not that i no longer care what becomes of them, but i can no longer afford to be the cutting post for their self-loathing and pride.
sometimes, people are so busy seeing what they want to see that they cannot see what is.
i wonder in this moment for such choices. but i no longer hurt for them. this, a gift given by the universe, by others more kind and caring, and finally, by me to myself.
strange as it may sound, i choose to remember them. and to send what good thoughts and wishes i can toward their contentment, happiness, and learning. may their days be peaceful. may their worries fade. may their hurts heal. may their angers and desires be transmuted to emptiness. may all obsticles be removed.