the things we take for granted at times are amazing. i woke this morning and had actual FOOD in the house. little girl at christmas, rushed to the kitchen, set the kettle on, and went into something of a whirlwind of activity… sausage and biscuits and gravy and eggs and pressed coffee… minutes later, staring at the steaming plate, smells rising that made my stomach do the strangest dance, mouth literally watering and a sense of accomplishment that seemed silly.
for the last months, i have lived on shredded wheat cereal, bagels, toast, and scrambled eggs. it was, well, nice, to have a full and more balanced plate. and there’s actual meat in the refridgerator. chicken. steak. steak! hah. salad. vegetables. fruit. simple things, really… but what a difference to consider.
i had spent these last months scrapping every extra cent to send in aid and help of another. another who claimed appreciation, but at the first moment when more then words were needed, as ever, demonstrated themselves unable.
ah well. live and learn, eh? that moment passes and in this one…. groceries. heh.
i continue to send resumes. mornings with coffee in hand, scanning and replying to online ads, making calls to the local agencies, and looking for openings in the papers. i have some small wiggle room, and can relax a bit and not be anxious or worried if the phone doesn’t ring immediately. it is nice to have that. i am thankful.
and there is at least one true friend, i discover. it is a comfort. a gift. they stay in touch. they ask when i do not offer. they care. i feel the presence of it and try not to be too great a sponge for it. so good to have a true friend. blessing.
shifting topics, i watched ‘pleasantville’ last night. it has been some time since i saw it. masey is one of my favorite actors. his role in this was poignant. the entire film is something of a visual essay in impermanence. many layers, but they all point in the same direction. good film.
my daughter is supposed to come for a visit tomorrow. i no longer hold my breath for such things. heh. working on taking it as it is, which helps. i’ll enjoy seeing her if she arrives, and smile for knowing she is enjoying herself if she does not.
continue my scoring of life. heh. several mixes of music for different moods and frames of mind… night-time mix, pensive mix, memory mix, silly names but for how well they meet a need to either swim in or move through. at the moment, i’m looping a favorite set. sting, conjure one, evanescense, dido, corey franks, annie defranco, jonathan coulton, tori amos, keiko matsui, and others… it used to be entire songs held meaning. lately, only certain lines, and those mostly references to hindsight and pointed reminders to people no longer present. silly, i know. but as they say, all things that avert suffering are blessings, and to be embraced.
i am also beginning to return to a preference for instrumentals rather than vocials. keiko matsui’s ‘the next plateau’ is of special enjoyment and appreciation lately. probably self-explanatory if you hear the piece. vocals often impede, for all they at times speak words that hold meaning. instrumentals speak a different language, speak directly and rarely land other than feather-soft, for all that gentle touch may at times be a deeper pain… flinching, not bruising. calling up the ocean.
i had forgotten how much i appreciated keiko matsui’s work.