i sit here and am surprised that i’m surprised to have a string of good days ‘all in a row’. i chuckle. the perspective is shifting and i am lightly astounded how truly ‘down’ i have been the last months. i look behind, briefly, and the dark cloud hanging there seems amazing to me. my creation, it is much uglier from here than it seemed when i stood under it. i shake my head and wonder at the things i do to myself. having spent some days reiterating ‘things i know’ and need to more than intellectually acknowledge, the effort is once more undertaken to manage it.
the nice part in all of this is that i can see progress. the pensive part is that it is never as much as i’d like to see. but i avoid kicking myself for being stubborn… unlikely to change, and i’d be better served to be kind to myself and not so quickly chip away at that progress.
in other news, my daughter is having cosmetic surgery tomorrow. at 18. the reality of this is finally sinking in, and ‘mom worry’ has officially begun… i’m taking off work tomorrow to be there, and help her home afterward, knowing that she has no idea what she’s letting herself in for, and knowing as well the aftermath/recovery is going to be hard as it requires no upper body movement for a week and she’s going to be out of work for three weeks.
i’m also taking off friday to care for her because there’s no one else available that day… probably staying through saturday until she’s able to move around at all.
nonplussed. too many thoughts and none of them clear enough to place here. bugging me. yes. i sigh. what is it about these things that they so quickly and easily overshadow the rest? sometimes i think the human psyche prefers the pain, the suffering… clinging to samsara like a babe to the security blanket.
but there is no security in this.
i decide to put it out of my head for the moment. plenty of time to feel it later. maybe i’ll be fortunate and find a way to not need to feel it. aspiration. heh. such an idealist i am.