when does it end? when will i stop thinking about him? when will the ache leave me? i don’t want to think of him. i don’t want to ache for him anymore. i don’t want this anvil in my chest, this empty feeling, this sense of loss.
just when i think i’m finally clear of it, something happens to remind me of him and suddenly it is all new again, all fresh again. his disdain. his judgments. his abandonment. his utter rejection.
over two months ago, i invited him to a place where we might speak while i was at work. he studiously avoided accepting that invitation. i had forgotten i extended it.
today, during what i suppose was his morning, near my lunch hour, suddenly, he was there. across the miles, he was there, and all i had to do was reach out and say something… and i just couldn’t. i couldn’t take hearing all over again all the reasons why i’m not good enough, not worthy, not of interest.
but i watched that little green light the entire hour it was there. and i watched it wink out eventually. and the remainder of the day has been spent trying and trying to push back all the things that cannot be, that will not be permitted, that never mattered to him… why do they still matter to me?
how i wish i could be like him, and just drop it off a cliff and forget it all. how i wish i could no longer cry. how i wish i could find a way to stop replaying it all in my head, reading those words of abandonment and disdain and feeling them thrust deep, cut cruel, deliberate and pointedly purposeful.
when does the hurting end? i feel like i will grieve the rest of my life. stars. what a horrifying thought. mournful for the many ways he cares not that… so many things. the litany rises and i shove it away.
i wish i could demonize him the way he does me. maybe then i could write it all off and it wouldn’t hurt anymore.
i wish i could feel proud of myself for not leaping and reaching out to him when that little, green light was there. but i know the truth… it wasn’t for not wanting to… only for fear of once more hearing how completely, utterly pointless he finds me.
i can’t take his casual cuts anymore. i can’t take all the ways his words demonstrate i am merely ancillary. i can’t take that he never considers how he hurts me, or tries to do anything other than continue doing it.
i want to stop thinking about it. i want to stop hurting. i want to stop loving someone who cannot, will not reciprocate.
i don’t know how. i feel as if i need to call out for help but there is no one to give it.
words to the universe… syllables and tears and pleading… help me. help me. let me run, let me walk, let me crawl, only please, let me move through this.