woke up smiling this morning. i can feel myself moving back into balance and things in life overall are shifting and settling into place. in many ways, i am enjoying that things seem to move naturally to tranquility and comfort of spirit. the friends i now find in the virtual world seem almost overtly positive in means and manner, almost as if the universe sends them to me to soothe and be balm for all that arrived before… a gift.
new friends arrive in the real world as well, one in particular that is an unexpected delight. we enjoy one of those snappy repartee relationships, friendships… you know… hepburn/tracey, becall/bogart, etc. the process of entendre, light sarcasm (not hurtful, humorous, it is possible… heh.), and playing off of one another’s intellect… a jumping good time.
i keep thinking i’m going to make more female friends, but it never quite seems to happen. for some reason, i’ve just never really gotten along with women. part of it is the whole competitive thing, which i find inane and pointless and distracting. part of it is the whole social indoctrination thing, where low self-esteem is a patina of acceptability one is supposed to wear and make visible at all time. er, no thanks. part of it is the overwhelming tendency (in my experience) toward gossip, rumor-mongering, and drama. stars, save me from the drama. i don’t want it. i don’t need it.
i cannot clearly say why i hold women in such low regard. perhaps because most of my interactions with them have been to find myself judged and shunned for being other than this simpering, fawning, ‘oh help me, my life is not complete unless i am dependant upon another’ or worse, ‘you can’t be much of a woman, you’re too smart’.
i have said before that i have much disdain for the social order and for the preference of many for stereotype and label over exploration and contemplation toward more individual understanding. of course, i am not free of the very thing i condemn the rest of the world for… which is both a thorn and a saving grace. it is said you hate most in others that which you fear most of yourself. telling stuff, really.
at any rate, most of life turns back to this usual process of running like a european train down the rails of life… an effortless glide thanks to technology and the science of comfort. heh. i giggle at myself. european train indeed. stars help me should there be a nick in the tracks.
this weekend is payday. it will be the first payday that i actually have something left over and i’m uncertain what to do with it. part of me is screaming, ‘save it, you fool!’ and the other part is yelling, ‘damn it, woman, do something nice for yourself for a change.’ meh. i’ll decide when it’s in hand i suppose. i spend a moment thinking about spending for another when i didn’t have it to spare… and shake my head sadly, i push the thought away. no sense in lingering.
i remember how i used to say i lived by only four ‘rules’… what a reckless, foolish thing i was… but i chuckle to myself to find that even today, two of the four remain unassailed by time and circumstance. the first fell quickly… ‘i only do what i want to do’. the second, being the converse of the first, fell not long thereafter. maturity arriving, understanding the nature and purpose of compromise, these were not worthwhile to cling to… the third, ‘always ask, the most another can ever say is “no”…’ remains intact as does the fourth, ‘live without regret.’
i remain convinced that to be able to say i live without regret is very likely one of the most powerful and liberating things i do for myself. for all i spend a lot of time ruminating and contemplating and dissecting and analysing life, others, myself, etc., i have never been able to regret. i think it is a blessing, to understand that all things were necessary to create the ‘me’ that sits here in this moment and types. how can that ever be a bad thing?
this post has been interrupted by work. that last paragraph written some several hours after all that preceeds it. the train derailed, i giggle and admit to being content to end here. for now.
it is still a good day. and the presence of the little green light no longer has the same effect, at least not in this moment. i contemplate the reality that i have ever been the one to reach and i am no longer willing to place myself in the dust for it. let those who care demonstrate care. and let those who do not, cannot, will not, pass from me.
i smile. yes. it is a good day.