i wish it were possible to take back the parts that you give to others. i wish it were possible to undo the last six months. i am tired of fighting with myself and tired of the feeling that even to fight with myself is futile, moot. i am tired of crying. tired of not being able to sleep. tired of not being able to eat. tired of missing someone who obviously could not possibly care less if i were to drop dead.
i feel as if i have been used. as if i have spent all my care and energy and, when no longer needed for support, been tossed aside like trash. i wish i could not care. stars. how i wish i could not care.
i keep telling myself that it’s getting better. that i’m dealing with it. that i can handle it. i never was a very good liar. i’m not fooling anyone. not even myself. least of all myself.
i’ve written many emails that i never send these last weeks. maybe i am getting a little better, that i can not send them. that i at least can acknowledge how pointless it is, that anyone who could just… drop me into the gutter and walk away… is not someone i should be trying to keep communications open to or with…
how many ways do i have to hear it before it sinks in?
he does not care. he never cared. he will never care.
i mean nothing to him. i never meant anything to him. i was a convenient crutch during a hard time. nothing more. i was never anything more to him.
nothing i say, nothing i do, nothing i am will ever change this. it is not a thing i can change. it is not a thing i can change.
someone who cares does not abandon. someone who cares does not use your feelings against you. someone who cares does not call you misguided and does not condemn you for wanting to help.
someone who cares takes the time and makes the effort to understand you. someone who cares forgives you for being human and is always willing to do so. someone who cares chooses to see your faults and flaws as less than damning. someone who cares considers more than themselves in every equation.
someone who cares does not walk away. someone who cares tries. someone who cares is not forever looking for a reason to leave.
damn it. accept it. he doesn’t care. never will. knows you are hurting, knows you are in pain, knows you are grieving, knows you are lost, knows you are undone, and DOES NOT CARE.
he knows you cry yourself to sleep every night. he knows you enough to know this. he does not care.
he knows you flinch every time you remember him. he knows you are enough of a fool to hope. he does not care.
he knows you better than anyone ever did. you told him everything. he knows where the scars are. he knows where the soft places live. he cut them all open and left them to bleed. he does not care.
how many ways must i hear it before i accept it? i write them all down. i read them. i make them a mantra and rock and weep to chant it and i cannot tell anymore — am i crying because i start to accept it or because he cannot make it a lie?
he does not care. breathe. live. please.