well, tomorrow is the ‘big day’ for the daughter. we meet at 7am at the surgery center and by 10am, she’ll be in recovery and very likely in pain. i get to help her into the truck and drive her to her apartment, then sit with her as she rests… see to it that she doesn’t raise her arms, doesn’t roll over, stays elevated, etc.
it is going to be a real learning experience for her. i hate that it will be a hard lesson. she’s going to have to return for surgeries every five years until she gets tired of it and has it undone. or can’t afford it anymore. whichever comes first.
so impulsive. rash. unwise. i wish i had the words to convince her to wait, but she will not hear it. so, instead, i’ll be there as i always am, and love her despite the foolishness and rashness, and hope against hope that it all goes well and there are no complications.
that’s what people who love one another do… they remain. they care. they hang in there even when it gets ugly… especially when it does.
for all it is a painful thing to see this take place, there is a certain validation in it. both for this circumstance and for how others turning to different ends are not statements of anything other than their unwillingness or inability to simply embrace love. i remind myself and soothe myself to see it, know it, and in it know as well that i am unchanged, my willingness to care and be there, to give and to do what may be done remains.
she called me at work today to tell me someone else was willing to take her in case ‘i did not want to go’. i sighed. sometimes it is hard to accept that she doesn’t think i care. i am uncertain where this comes from, outside the time we spent apart… an unavoidable wound for both of us, and one that she, perhaps, will be longer healing than i.
it is strange. she admits that she knows i love her, but insists on this boundary of independance as if she thinks i wish to hover over her forever. i do not think she realises just how proud i am of her motivation, drive, intelligence, and abilities. for some reason, she doesn’t seem to hear it when it say it to her. i am left to wonder what happened during those four years that she has not mentioned, that direct statements of love and care and direct demonstrations of both cannot overcome her doubt.
parallels. synchronicities. yes, i see them. but at least in this, there is trust. for all she seems at times to doubt me, when it comes down to it, she trusts me. she knows beyond even her own doubts that she can count on me to be there, to love, to care, and to do any and all things to sustain, protect, and cherish her.
i can handle her doubting because i have the same trust in her. i know that, when it comes down to it, she cares, she loves, she holds the same drive and interest in sustaining, protecting, and cherishing me.
there is a soft and beautiful joy to such things… i take a moment to honor them… in her, in me, in those few others i know who demonstrate them. it may well be that my life has not many such others, but those who exist are like the rarest of diamonds… for all i would wish to find more of them, i will content myself to have the few i know.
life and the universe has given me truly precious gifts in these people. i turn to them for solace and relief and ever do they grant it. and in their eyes, their faces, their souls, i find reminders in every moment that i am loved.
tomorrow i take someone i love to learn a lesson. i will be thankful for the lesson arriving to them, and remove my hands from the attempt to intercede. to love is to accept and understand. i love.