ever have one of those days when it seems everything that can possibly go wrong, does? that’s my day today. it began with a fight with my boss over a suggestion made. it continued with a call from my daughter in which it is discovered that a common test has returned abnormal results.
of course, she is laid up for at least another week due to the recent surgery, so cannot followup until then. add to this that her insurance carrier is denying her coverage as it seems a previous such test ALSO returned abnormal results and she failed to tell anyone, including me. so she’s looking at full cost for whatever comes of it.
problem is, it is dysplasia. usually only inconvenient, it can become quite ugly if left untreated. like… cancer ugly. and my entire family history is striated with cancer. i’ve been treated for dysplasia myself. and i already know i’ll likely die of cancer somewhere between 60 and 65. there hasn’t been a woman in our family live past 70 in over six generations. heavy stuff.
anyway… another thing for mom to fret over.
on top of this, the arthritis is kicking up again and overall, i’m just feeling very yucky. and, of course, i’m still twitchy and trying to come to grips with… well.. with other things.
and my birthday is on the way. 41. it is weird. 40 did not bother me at all, but the idea of 41 is kicking my butt for a variety of reasons. looks like i’ll be spending this one alone just like the last 15.
i think i’m depressed.
actually, i’m pretty sure i’m depressed. even my interest in buddhism is fading. just seems like everything is going grayscale. hard to describe. i cry at the drop of a hat. i can’t keep my mind on anything more than a few minutes. i can’t sleep. i have to remind myself to eat. it’s all i can do to drag myself out of bed in the morning.
worst of all, i feel helpless. i work at pumping myself up. i make myself write positive things. i do that whole ‘smile’ thing trying to convince myself… and it just isn’t working.
i come home and sit here and stare at the wall and just bawl like a baby. i don’t even know if there is any specific thing i’m crying for… just all of it… this big, dark wall of ‘alone’ that’s just sucking the life out of me.
intellectually, i know it really isn’t this bad. emotionally… it’s actually worse.
i have this litany of ‘all the good things my presence in the world has brought’ that i run through when i feel like this. but lately, it just sounds hollow. i can’t seem to get anything right and it has been a long time since i’ve actually felt like i mattered to the world or those in it.
i sit here and wonder where i’m going with this. i can’t say i know. i’m tired. but the minute i lay down, a million and one things will be skittering around my head. seems pointless.
sitting here forcing myself to eat a small white pizza. just realised i haven’t eaten today. looking around, i see i’ve let the apartment go to hell in a handbasket. i suppose by the looks of my co-workers lately, the same applies to me.
oh yeah. i’m depressed. so ok. what am i going to do about it? mental kick as the gatekeeper wakes up with a start. i’m laughing at myself, of course. silly rabbit, trix are for kids. codephrase. meaning too long to explain, but i’m sure you can infer it.
did i mention my father is dying? i didn’t even know. somewhere in a v.a. hospital. maybe ohio, i didn’t get the details. he was such a monster. why do i cry? i suppose because his death means the dream of some real reconciliation dies, too. it’s impossible, of course. but to dream of it has been a weird kind of help over the years.
seems like i’ve spent most of my life hating people because i love them and they refuse to love me. i’d say its unfair, but i can’t seem to find the contract where life agreed to be fair. silly rabbit.
crash and burn time. this is the part where i go curl up with my pillow and chant ‘this too shall pass’. only problem is, it hasn’t yet. so maybe it’s me.