home earlier than expect, i sit here and ponder ‘life in general’. spoke with Reza today. he and his fiance are safely esconced in an apartment in Philadelphia. he asked when i would come visit. i told him when i could afford the ticket. further discussion found me in something of an inquisition. i don’t think he realises how strapped i am, even with the recent raise (which, alas, doesn’t pan out to much after the increase in taxes. bleh.).
it was a strange feeling… to justify my situation. i’m still without furniture but for the frame for the bed. i treated myself to a television, but now i wonder why, since the cable company can’t get service in here and frankly, i can’t think of a thing i’d watch outside of my dvds.
i’m still struggling to pay a friend back for the loan that got me into this apartment, and it just seems the ‘clear moment’ when my paycheck is finally my own is ever out of reach. i know it’s coming. looks like maybe october, if nothing explodes. that’s not so far away.
thought the computer was dying on me yesterday. a weird video glitch had it hard resetting every ten minutes or so. patched in a new driver and it seems to have fixed it, but now i’m fretting over the ramifications of a system loss at this point in time. stars, that would really put a monkey wrench into things. crossing my fingers and going to try and save up for a new machine. the discovery that a failure on any level would require a complete upgrade (thanks, technology market!) was frightening.
funny moment the other night. got a call while playing my game and it was a friend of my daughter’s fella… who apparently plays the same game. they put him on the phone with me because he ‘just couldn’t believe’ that a ‘mom’ plays. bleh. typical lowdown… server, character, guild, etc. and then i had to ask him to hand the phone back to my daughter… i’m not as ‘into it’ as it may sometimes seem, and the thought of ‘game talk’ as a social past time was weird to me.
so… another weekend passes and other than cleaning the place up, not much to report. i am still depressed, though it lightens slightly. trying to work through it. i know the cause, just not sure if there’s a cure. i can think of one, but it doesn’t seem likely. i used an analogy with Reza, trying to explain the sense of frustration… lots of potential, but no realization. somewhat a ‘par for the course’ thing, only that sounds too much like bitterness.
i wonder sometimes if i am becoming bitter. such small requests of life and they often seem to be too much to ask. the long-running joke with Reza and my friend in Texas deals with how much i’d like to have had that normal, betty crocker life. i’m down with the gingham apron. want to be a house mouse… make some fellow feel like a king. but something got thrown off the track early on and instead of the kitchen, i wound up in the kiln.
fired fully, i look too strong to the world. men look right past me. too strong, they say. they’ve actually said this to me. which is weird. i’m not strong at all. not really. everyone tells me i am, and no one listens to me telling them i’m not. it’s like i speak a foreign language. it all gets lost in translation. what does it take to be heard? someone willing to listen, i suppose. heavy thought, that.
i think about getting older and how i’ve never really been beautiful… and how it seems brains don’t get a gal much of anywhere these days. i’d wish to be ignorant, but i wouldn’t mean it, not really. much rather wish to find someone willing and able to just accept me as i am. i do have good parts and most times, believe it or not, they actually outweigh the bad ones. no one really sticks around long enough to make that discovery. reckon the bad parts are too much.
damn it. when did i succumb to self-pity? water over the mountain, i suppose. too much of it and i was never much of a mountain to begin with… worn much further down today, admittedly.
hard to cope with the thought that i’m only acceptable in small doses, at extreme distance. i don’t think i am that bad. even though i admit i fear being wrong and it seems much of life is busy proving this to be the case.
i’m worn out. you know you’ve been beat down when what fantasies and dreams you have consist not of happily ever after, but just having someone willing to tolerate you. i gave up on the happily ever after when… bleh. i follow this train much further and it’s going to run off the rails. maybe it has already and i just haven’t noticed yet. that’s a sobering thought.