home early today to wait for the cable company to show up and take this box away. they can’t seem to get it installed, and i’ve already missed too much work waiting on them to figure it out… giving up. they can keep it. reckon that television is going to be a really nice dvd player for the time being… (wry grin)
in other news, i’ve done something today that has been long, long overdue. i cleaned out my archives. now i suppose at face value, that doesn’t sound like such a big deal. but understand… until this moment, i had email and chat archives going back to 1983. the only backup that wasn’t lost in the ‘great hardware and backup failure of 2002’ was the one that contained these archives.
and today, while sitting here waiting for the cable company to arrive, well over 95% is now given back to the universe.
it felt strangely liberating. hard to describe. for a very long time, i have kept archives of friends lost to time, distance, and circumstance. i actually made something of a ritual of reading them… taking the time to remember why i chose to remember them, sending thoughts to the universe that they are doing well, hoping i might once more have a chance to enjoy them, the usual, really.
i’m not sure what has motivated me to this. i suppose there are several possibilities. but on consideration, i’d have to say i am less willing in this moment to continue carrying what are effectively stones upon my soul.
maybe i’m an alien, but i tend not to give up on people. perhaps even when i should. i am often told that i am foolish to remember people who obviously no longer care to remember me. i do not choose to think it such an active intent. maybe they’re right, maybe i’m foolish. but i realised today that i don’t have to keep records to remember these folks by… that a good bit of what i recall and treasure of any of them remains in my mind, in my soul. i do not need archives to remember why i still care.
add to this that is has become somewhat depressing to see just how many people have walked out of my life over the years. and i think i am finally realising as well that in many ways, carrying these archives has been almost like a punishment… me of myself… for not being ‘good enough’ that people would care to remain.
i am very tired indeed of feeling as if i’m not quite good enough to be cared for by anyone. especially since in know i am not an evil or bad person. especially since i know my good parts still outweigh my bad ones. especially since i know i am no more or less human than anyone else and i am not being fair to myself to tell myself otherwise.
it is very easy to list my bad parts. and people are always willing to remind you what they are… ever notice that? sorrowful.
much harder to list my good parts. especially since it often seems to lead others to some pressing need to ‘cut you down a bit’ by reminding you that you’re human and have bad parts too.
like you could ever forget. like there isn’t that little whisper in your head constantly reminding you of all the ways you’re flawed.
i try to make sure i list the good parts i see in others. i usually succeed. it seems to me if people spent a little more time forgiving the bad parts of others, maybe we’d all be less likely to feel the need to so often uncage them.
rambling, i know. but maybe there’s a point in all this somewhere… i know the only time my own bad parts are unleashed is when someone is busy trying to push me into something i don’t want, or browbeating me with their own. my problem is, the bitch in my cage is not just a pitbull… she’s a freaking mutant berserker from another plane. (wry grin)
i’ve been afraid to be angry for most of my life. as a result, there’s a hell of a lot more stuck in the closet than any one human ought to have, and more than most humans could keep a grip on, really. yeah, i know that sounds arrogant, but it isn’t arrogance if it’s true… and since you can’t see into my head, you’re just going to have to take my word for it — it is definitely true.
over the last five or so years, i haven’t felt the need to be angry as much. which i suppose is a good thing. but that, unfortunately, doesn’t mean all the snarled up, festering crap from ages ago is any less. it’s really almost humorous… to feel as if you’ve finally gotten to the place where you don’t have to be angry to keep putting one foot in front of another… but the door to the closet is still bulging like it’s going to splinter at any moment… and there’s nothing around you to sic it on… and since it isn’t able to ‘just go away’… what the heck do you do?
Kind of like the old ‘tiger by the tail’ scenario. Someone’s going to get hurt… so maybe the best thing is just to batten down the hatches, board up the windows, make sure it can’t get out of the room, and just open the damn door and let it do its worst. After all, it can’t last forever… can it?
I suppose this is something that’s going to have to wait for the cable guy to get safely in and out of here. Heh. It won’t be as easy as getting itself done in one night. Sure took more than one night to grow into what it is now… but I’m thinking maybe this isn’t such a bad idea.
I reckon there’s only one way to find out… and here, I pause… and find myself wishing (as possibly sad and horrific as it may sound) that I had someone to be here and help me through this. I admit, I’m a little afraid that I won’t be able to do this alone. Bleh. My eyes are leaking because I’m thinking of someone I wish were here, wish were interested in helping.
It’s weird. Of all the people in the archives, all the memories, all the possible ones I could try to find again, or reach to for help, there’s only one name that immediately jumped to the front of my mind… naturally.
Sigh.