awake early from a bad dream. it has already faded, nothing but the sick to the stomach, heart thumping, back aching from adrenaline-rush aftermath. sitting here groggy but restless, and weird impulses writhing over one another.
i always enjoy the first moments of waking, regardless their cause. there is a strange insanity as the mind works to push back the boundaries between this reality and the multiverse. weird flickerings of almost-lives, memories of things that never happened in this world, all manner of urges set to sublimation.
ah, how words trigger thoughts. perhaps i am just that lonely that all contact results in a wish for more than contact. i’d like to think i’m not such an alien that this is a weird thing. rather than fear it, i set it here so i can return and consider it another time…
it has taken me until this year to realise why i was always sad, always pensive, always just shy of being fully happy in any moment. a friend now permanently lost to me gave the word that defines the feeling perfectly — suadade — the joy that whispers through every sorrow, and the sorrow that whispers through every joy.
i love everybody. i mean it. i actually feel genuine love for everyone i meet. it is usually countered by sadness for discovery everyone doesn’t feel this, too… and for how samsara/life/illusion keeps us all separate from one another.
i work to demonstrate this love, but it usually only creates issues. i find it heart-breaking that people are faster to be suspicious of you for caring for them than for being cruel or hateful to them. such a statement, such a condemnation of culture and progress when it is easier to think people who demonstrate care or love are untrustworthy, while those who demonstrate cruelty or hate are somehow ‘more honest’ and ‘more trustworthy’.
there have been times when others have actually told me, ‘i do not believe you.’ there is nothing to be done for it, either. i’ve tried. it doesn’t work that way. choice in effect, it remains there are those who choose anything other than to simply embrace what is. it has been a hard lesson for me to learn, as i like to believe any wound may be healed… and in reality, self-inflicted wounds are impossible to heal for they are triple-bound by ego, illusion, and some strange manner of preference for pain that i do not understand.
it is a strange place to be, to be hated for caring. i recently moved through two such relationships… one that was hatred from the start, cleverly hidden under a most political posture… and the other, that manner of hatred which exhibits rejection and withdrawal as the methods by which to punish anyone who would care.
important lesson, to learn that some things are beyond me. i suppose it is arrogance, but i try to be kind to myself and instead, call it niavete. we are, of course, back to the whole stubbornness thing… but also hovering on the edge of another core tenet that has never been defined externally. hmm. should i undertake to try? yes.
simply put, i think it is possible for any outcome to exist in any relationship. that the thing which determines the outcome is… choice. (surprised?)
actually, deeper than all this is the tenet that all life is choice. i found this very early in life and latched onto it. it has been, in every moment, a saving grace to me, for me. i cannot tell you the liberation, the freedom found in it.
well, ok, i could try to tell you, but it would quickly dissolve into a convoluted mess. i have found over time that, for some reason, the meaning i find in this does not seem to translate well. words do not do the concept justice. i am uncertain why, and often compelled to try, but i resist in this moment. perhaps a topic for another time.
hm. i think i’ve derailed myself. i chuckle. well, it is 5:41am.
back to bed with me. i’ll think on all of this another time and see if i can cobble together something that won’t read like a fugue.