for some reason, today i’ve been thinking about something kind of off the wall. sorry, no context will be given, this is just a ramble on the thinking set here for future reference.
which is better — that someone enable behavior that results in suffering, or that someone insist on not enabling such behavior?
which is better — that someone watch another struggle and say nothing, or that someone point out a means to move through?
which is better — that someone accept all cuts from another, or that someone insist that cutting ends?
which is better — to suffer for another’s refusal to change, or to be done with another who refuses to change?
rhetorical questions, really.
it puts me in mind of the whole compassion question — the man who watches another drown is lacking in compassion. the man who insists upon saving another, even if it means knocking him out to do so, is showing compassion.
i was once condemned for turning away from someone who absolutely insisted, in every moment, upon self-destructive and avoidant behavior. they told me i was not as good a friend as some other they knew… because this other never threatened to turn away in the face of it.
i didn’t have the heart to tell them of the dynamics of co-dependancy and mutually destructive behaviors. of how supporting them in others is as good as helping them leap into disaster. they wouldn’t hear it even had i tried. and ultimately, i let them go.
to this day, they blame me. but they still engage in the same behaviors, and they still are unhappy, lonely, and lacking understanding of why nothing seems to work out for them.
choice. awareness. both lacking. it hurts me, mostly because i lack the means to help them but also because it is hard to know they continue to lie to themselves… such change as this cannot happen with words alone. platitudes do not make change.
i heard from a friend today that they’re once more wailing from a pit and asking for help. the temptation to rush to lend aid is strong. i resist it. lessons recently delivered underscore reality — people who want change will act in a manner conducive to change arriving and remaining.
people who do not want change will claw and cut at anything that even remotely presents the opening… for many reasons, but at root, because they cannot face the responsibility of it.
i have only had to turn completely from four people in my entire life. one when i was still a teen. one when i was in my 20’s. one when i was 35. and the last but weeks ago.
it is never something i wish to do. and it is damned hard every time i have had to do it. the wish i hold for each of these four is simple, and i voice it to the universe every morning and every night… i suppose you might call it a pennace.
and on occasion, when i have word of one of them struggling still, i have to remind myself of all the reasons why the urge to reach out is pointless… which is the true sadness, because it counters everything i aspire to or hold worthy in life.
you cannot help someone who will not help themselves. and you cannot help someone who treats an offer of help as an insult. and you cannot help someone who insists they do not need help. and you cannot help someone who prefers the lie of coping to the reality that they are not and cannot do so.
still, it is difficult.