i’m supposed to be sleeping. can’t. sitting here wondering about things i told myself i wasn’t going to think about anymore. but instead of kicking myself or feeling badly, i’m letting it flow. ache is back. strange sense that i’m in parallel at the moment, i’m not the only one thinking about these things.
when will i stop counting the days, i wonder. it is odd. the ache remains, but the despair is gone. not sure what that means outside acceptance. i still cry, of course. no one enjoys being utterly rejected, especially after have poured their entire being out to someone.
i think about that. i’m torn. part of me feels like i was very stupid to trust. part of me knows you cannot hide from trusting people or you’ll never have the experience of that trust being valid.
i find myself wondering if he ever told the snake that i was the one who bought the LoTR collector’s edition for his birthday? i suppose not. gift-giving by proxy was never my style, but he insisted and i acquiesed. that’s pretty par for what the course was, really. all in that sentence.
perspective is a curious thing. sitting here, weeks later, wondering how i let myself get mired in such an unhealthy situation. knowing it was my own wish to help. feeling sad that sometimes, you just can’t. sometimes, another will not let you. i have a hard time with this. always have.
lots of references coming up that i’m not going to explain. if you get it, you get it.
i still have the characters in my friend list. keep wishing to see him by the fire. not for any reason other than to have him see it is everything he wanted it to be, and despite his refusal to work with me on it, it has still succeeded. don’t suppose he could really see it, though. probably just nit-pick over all the things he would do differently. the result less important than whether or not he could feel he controlled it.
how ironic. i was always the one accused of wanting control. i never did. even now, it is defrayed to the whole and we all enjoy for it. three to four hour gatherings are the norm. everyone speaks. tells stories. it is truly an amazing time.
of course, she has gone off to some mid-range ‘raiding’ thing. never really gave a damn. between the two, i have a harder time forgiving her. what he did was well intended, if not wholly misguided. what she did was deliberate and malicious. i’ll never forget her wish for it to collapse. no care of anyone but herself, willing to burn it all down if she couldn’t have it under her thumb. oh irony. i was accused as the controlling one, but projection has its way of making itself known.
i hear SH has all but collasped. only two remaining who even remember the dream and most of the warm-bodies they invite are about as interested in things as… well, as the average person in goldshire on any given night. sad, really. three times abandoned, his dream. once on SH, once on TB, then again on SH. if i know him, he’s still wondering why it didn’t work out. irony. irony. irony. it did, he can’t admit it.
i still say a prayer for him every night. along with the other three. these days, they feel like some strange kind of cardinal directions… the four corners of regret or something.
i still love him. i think i always will. i sure hope time cushions the weight of it. seems to me that at least once in my life, i should wind up with something other than bruises.
i remember the last thing he said to me of any consequence was that he thought he brought out the worst in me. the contradiction to his own words not even a week earlier hit me hard. i realised for the first time the complete lack of continuity and finally began to understand just how fragmented he was… that’s where the ache comes from, of course… not that silence and time will ever grow between us, but that i know he’s out there hurting and i can do nothing for it because he simply will not let me.
turning it loose slowly. it’s ok to put this here. it’s ok to feel it and then let it go. it was never going to be different, i wasn’t willing to become fodder for his neurosis and he wasn’t willing to become. crippled, he said. yes. definitely. and too proud to lean.
that, to me, was the saddest of all. i have many times wished desparately for anyone even remotely willing to permit me to lean. never have had it. was happy to give it, to be able to. can’t give a thing that will not be accepted.
i laugh at myself. redundant. how many times do i have to say it. until it works, i suppose.
time to sleep.