well. today is a day of strange happenings all the way around. earlier this afternoon, i receive a call from a good friend telling me they will not be around much anymore, needing to redirect focus to things in proximity.
completely understandable. much of our friendship has been my counseling them to do just this thing, and hoping against hope it would occur before things got out of hand there, to the detriment of all.
so, i am happy for them that this arrives and that effort is underway to create the ends i know my friend seeks. i am happy as well for their child and significant other, who will undoubtedly see benefit and increased happiness as a result of this change.
but i will miss them. terribly. i had gotten used to having them to talk to… and much of that access will now be ended.
the human in me grins wryly and points out that i am often shooting myself in the foot in just such ways. but little buddha girl smiles and reminds me that my efforts in this have brought good things, and perhaps even saved a marriage and the continuity of a young one’s life.
suadade. the word still works, despite its origins here. i am happy and pensive and aching and content all at once.
may all beings benefit. that is always the goal. yes. admitted. accepted. agreed. still…. it is at times very difficult. very difficult indeed. i tell myself the leaking from my eyes is happiness and to some degree it is…
…but there is part of me that realizes, even in the face of protestations to the contrary, that this shifting will see an end to the manner of closeness i have cherished with this friend.
and i will miss it. just as i will miss them.
it has long since grown old, this constant reminder of impermanence. alright already, i admit it is as it is. must i constantly be reminded?
then, i chuckle at myself. obviously i need the reminder if these manner of shifts continue to bring the feelings they do. there is yet part of me that would hold to things, and i suspect it is that part for which the universe continues to send reminders such as this.
it is hard to undertake a fuller loosening of all such attachments. hardest for how my kharma and history make them exquisitely sore spots, where many things yet wriggle.
i try. sometimes i succeed. sometimes i fail. but perhaps the trying counts for something, somewhere. i hope. (wry grin… yet another failure… i cannot seem to strike that word from my vocabulary, no matter how i try. another trying that continues. may it all someday find completion.)