just waking, pre-coffee, i see the sky is overcast. fitting, that.
thinking of the oddness of comments being used to communicate when email and phone and forums are present. thinking of knowing others have fuller communication and knowing that somehow, i’ve been deemed the problematic one, and thus, am the one who sees comments where others continue to enjoy a fuller sharing via other avenues.
resentful. apologetic, but there it is. am i not the one who worked for this end? annoyed to feel as if no good deed every goes unpunished. angry for such consistent evidence that this is the case. i’d go through the flipping and twisting of asking ‘why’, only i know why i do it, and fuck, it isn’t going to change… but i will take the time to reiterate here that i am really very tired indeed of doing the right thing, making the right choice, holding to principle, honor, honesty, care, charity, and aspiration only to have others neglect, abandon, turn, ignore, cut, punish, and deride me for it.
it gets very, very, very old. very old indeed.
bah. i need coffee.