not too long ago, someone gave to me a concept they called ‘blind spots’. usually, they used them as excuses for poor behavior and cruelty. but on occasion, there was insight in discussions about them, the most acute of which was the statement that to truly see into one’s blind spot was to hover on the edge of either dissolution or change.
personally, i do not think dissolution is possible. only change. i think the idea of dissolution is actually fear, used as reason and excuse to avoid change. this, i write as i quiver on the edge and stare slack-jawed and fearful into one of my own.
sometimes, i surprise myself. not often, mind you. but sometimes.
i have, tonight, stumbled quite accidentally onto one of my blind spots. to attempt to define it would be, i think, a pointless effort. i am only just beginning to see it clearly myself. i find it an ugly thing. here, words are helpful because they can point to the nature of it and there is no need for full disclosure. grimacing, i admit i do not wish such a gristly thing set out for the viewing of all.
i nod to the one who introduced the concept, for all they were generally callous, cold, and cruel, it remains there were moments of benefit, even if they were almost never intentional.
and as i turn to the pillow, i set my mind to contemplate this glimpse into a thing invisible to me before this moment. i will not pretend i never saw it, nor that it is other than completely within my power to change.