i should be sleeping. but as is usual after the gathering, i am weary without slumber. i know within scant minutes of placing head to pillow, i will be asleep… but i linger and am reluctant to release consciousness… moments slipping into memories, but not yet fully so, i inhale the scent of them, roses, all, and am drunk with contentment and peace.
what insanely mixed metaphors. yes, i am loopy tired. but smiling. connection not possible in the ‘real’ yet happens in these places, these spaces, and that it continues to be such a tender, caring thing for all involved is… awe-inspiring.
i think of how close it came to being shattered. i am so very glad i chose to continue. i think of those who should have had this all along, and i ache for their absence. i think of those who spoke of such things, but were continually frustrated by their inability to do more than speak… and in truth, i ache for them, too. perhaps more than most, they needed this, and it is an ache to know their denial impedes when to have it is as simple as this.
i do wish you could permit yourself to have this, all of you… aqaraza, malkura, oviel, fedartairin, miira, alendros, beregrond, cassielle, chillithra, althea, each of you, all of you… how i wish you could loose the anger and pride and dominance and just… drink this in. how i wish you could know these gems as i know them… new names, old spirits… aramand, kalista, dartanis, daezen, sennin, yarl, aurayle, isilarien, xanrik, glorielle, yorvald, niburu, so many more than i cannot list them all.
miira and i spoke not too long ago, she visited under cloak of disguise and saw these things… but would not remain for what she named as guilt and shame for her own misjudging. i could no more forgive her of herself than i could talshalan in that moment when he needed to do so. you cannot hear me, i know, but i will say it anyway… i miss that of you which might have been, had you but allowed it. i miss you. i wish it could have been different.
this night was remembrance, but more than this, celebration. these things have meaning and remained honored here and by all who walk with us. six months. it has so often felt like much longer. it will be longer still. though you walk other paths, there is honor yet to give you, while you would not, could not see it through, you were yet its founders and, for a moment, you believed well enough to plant the seed. thank you for that. thank you.