insomnia has me yet again. today i spoke with someone who has been an intermittent presence since the break down on silver hand. fed has joined phoenix deschiado along with cassielle. i must say, cassielle didn’t surprise me. fed did. it is still painful to see how that pattern continues to repeat. once more, that house is abandoned, this time to poor beregrond. it is surely on its last legs. i sigh, and am thankful the concept and name managed to make it elsewhere. it would have been a true loss otherwise.
i found myself facing it all over again, in spite of myself. since august, i have worked so very hard to pull my mind from it. i had managed it. i didn’t think of him so often. today it all rose up all over again and in the words of this other, that stupidly optimistic hope tried to raise its head. stars. will i never learn?
i am, even now, pushing it off the cliff. damn me for a fool. anvil in the chest and remembering things as if there’s anything left but ashes. i tried to explain to them and they just ignored it and told me it was his pride. his guilt.
they don’t understand that i know this. they don’t understand that i know very well all the many ways he can never be other than he is because he does not want to be so. they don’t understand that those choices leave me with no choice but the one made.
oh sure, i still have those stupid moments when i dream he reaches out and is so very sorry for how he has hurt me. that he actually understands and can communicate the how and why of it, say it to me so i know that he knows how i have bled and ached and wept and been staggered in almost shock for it all.
i dream he is different, that he doesn’t always think first of his feelings, his needs, himself. and yes, i dream that he finally sees and knows what is here and has been and likely will ever be. i dream that he is different enough to care.
the only difference today is, i know it’s just a dream.
i told them i don’t want to hear anymore of him. i’m glad he found a job. i’m glad things are working out for him. but i just can’t do it this way anymore and since this is the only way it will be, it has to stop.
i am angry with myself for even writing this. i do not want to give him any more room here. he has taken so much, given so little, why does he deserve more? he had it all and never even knew it, just spat on it and walked away.
i told them in a later email that a truly good part of my life, a part that has seen me through so much… is now in tatters. i don’t even know where to begin trying to restore it. all i know is that, as ever, i’ll be doing it alone.
he has done enough damage here. no more. no more.