dreamhost has been down most of the day for my domains. the server died. this site is only recently back online, the other are still down. i’ve spent the day thinking too much about all the wrong things.
i told someone recently that the best parts of me were in tatters. most of my days are spent sending out resumes and distracting myself with the one entertainment i have available and, fortunately, pre-paid.
but this is no life. and i’m trying very hard to ignore the mess that is my life until i can look at it and not just shatter into a million pieces. conversations these last two days have made that a damned difficult thing to do.
perhaps there is some good to it. i know avoiding all of this isn’t going to help anything. but in this moment, it feels like help… admittedly it is more just a defense mechanism. i can’t deal with this right now. i don’t have the strength to look at it right now. i know it’s there. i know it’s all fucked up again. i know i’ll have to piece it back together… somehow… but i just can’t do it right now. i can’t.
it’s been a long time since i’ve noticed the weight of the armor that keeps my insides on the inside. i’m thankful of it in this moment. i’m thankful i hadn’t completely shucked it off before this happened. i’m thankful i’m not a pool of liquid jello steaming and quivering on the floor of life, even as i’m very well aware i’m just puddled in the boots of this fucking armor right now.
i swore i wouldn’t let this happen to me again. i promised myself. i’m so angry at me right now. i can barely stand to look at myself for feeling how ignorant i am for this. it’s like there are two of me. one, here, in this clanking fucking armor and the other one over there, huddled… puddled in the corner. i can’t stand to look at her and she knows it. she has her face turned to the wall and is weeping. and all i can feel for her tears is this bitter rage that she still hasn’t fucking learned… after all this time. stupid bitch. god, she is so fucking stupid.
i stand with my back to her and just radiate rage. at her. at him. at the world. litany of comfort that runs in a loop. i don’t need you. i don’t need them. i’m strong. i can survive this. i’ll be ok. i have no need of any of it, of any of them, they can’t reach me, they can’t hurt me, they can’t touch me, i’m distant, i’m a galaxy away, i’m polaris and they haven’t arms long enough to hit me here.
so why am i crying again? oh stars. give me the anger now. i need it. memory albums pulled recklessly from old shelves. remind me. remind me. embers to the fire. charcoal, silt and dust and fuel. he’s just like my father. he’s just like my mother. he’s just like my sister. he’s just like the rest. remember? remember? remember how he left? remember how he just ignored your bleeding? how it didn’t matter? how it never did? stars. damn you, remember.
i do. oh thank you. i do.