just got off the line with a friend, a very good, very helpful friend. we spent … stars… was it really four hours… four… hours *boggle* talking. they have helped me reach something of a epiphany. long overdue really.
first and foremost, what has happened recently was not some regression that indicates hopelessness.
secondly, that the circumstances that caused me to be ‘hooked’ by this particular brand of borderline personality were, as are all things in life, transient.
thirdly, that my real world situation with coming to terms with my daughter’s ‘leaving the nest’ were, in large part, the reason why i was even the least bit susceptible to this situation.
fourthly, that i permitted every thing that happened to occur.
i am remembering now who i am. i am remembering that the things i endured were then, not now. i am remembering that reliving those moments of vulnerability and pain is, in fact, to relive them. they do not exist in this moment.
and i am remembering as well how fully justified i was and am in choosing to reject utterly someone who was and is completely and utterly incapable of respecting me, treating me as a human being, or in any way so much as acknowledging i deserved either.
it is a good feeling. i was not wrong to try. but i was definitely wrong to try once it became apparent how purely unable he was… is.
people choose how they live. people choose how they treat others. people choose. he chose poorly. very poorly indeed.
i am not diminished by his poor choices. indeed, i am reminded of all the many ways i empowered and remain free… no shackle of emotional abuse will hold me. no demand of submission is ever right.
his need cannot be met in me or in any other, and as he refuses to meet it in himself, he creates the suffering under which he labors.
his choice. i make my own, and he is no longer a factor in them.
i remember as well that potential is not actuality. and remind myself to be more mindful with looking to the potential of others when they refuse to look to it themselves.
beautiful lesson. gently, tenderly, and loving delivered. i smile to the universe for it. thank you. thank you. it is what i needed to truly move on. i have not felt this refreshed and infused with life in years. oh thank you. truly.