Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
but for the patience to win my freedom.
– Shantideva
it is said that all 84,000 of The Buddha’s teachings are contained in these few lines. i believe it. to contemplate them for any degree of time leads along smooth paths, by pleasant rivers, and through fragrant meadows. prosey, i know, but also true.
i have lately been finding at every turn words that serve me in making my peace with all aspects of life. i have also found such confirmation of things as to finally convince even me that it is better to embrace what is than seek to help it be other than as it is.
it has been an area of some confusion with regard to Buddhism, because it has often seemed there was a conflict/contradiction in this area. i have lately realized it is not a contradiction or conflict at all, rather, i was looking at it from the perspective of thinking that to aspire to a thing meant one had the ability to create that thing in others.
fundamental error. i see it so clearly now. a very deep sense of gratitude lives here for the finding. so much anguish is simply… gone. i chuckle at myself for my stumbling about, trying to do the impossible. and i remember for a moment a line from ‘Kundun’, “You cannot free me, I can only free myself.”
truer words have yet to be spoken.
i return to the concept of inner refuge as given to me by the one who once was teacher. she and i remain in loose contact, and she continues to insist i am better served and serve better others by remaining as i am rather than pursuing formal teaching.
my puzzlement in this she kindly meets and soothes by introducing me to others who have received such instruction. apparently, there is a strong feeling among those of the lineage itself that the west is better served outside the monastic tradition.
i suppose i can understand that. so much of our culture is materialistic and steeped in ego and pride that perhaps it requires a native’s understanding not riven from the culture or turned from it to really work within it.
for my part, i am instructed in my conversations with this one and others to continue my efforts in the virtual world and the tales of efforts there consistently bring smiles to all who hear them. i ponder the story recently told to me by one about an elderly rinpoche who visited the states and was shown the internet. they say his face lit like the sun and he became very excited, understanding immediately the nature of it, if not the technical aspects.
when i encountered buddhism, it occurred to me that the internet is a very organic and natural venue for connection and recognizing/building an understanding of the reality of interconnectedness that all sentient beings share. looking back, i think that was what initially drew me to technology, the ability to connect and find that sense of ‘belonging’ and to share it with others.
i read back through a lot of the things i have archived here, and see very clearly how this has unfolded for me over the years. finding my way… slowly… and coming to terms with not only my own challenges as someone with the manner of history i have experienced, but with the challenges of balancing my aspiration to bring better things to the world and to others with the reality that there is only so much that may be given to any other.
at some point, one must engage and act for oneself.
the other piece of wisdom and comfort i have recently found is something i’ve known for a long time, but often and oddly seem to try to forget:
If you can’t find a wise person to walk with, it is better to walk alone. – Sakyamuni Buddha
For quite some years, long before I ever found this quote, this was my mantra to myself. One of many. And I never had issue with the notion of refusing to ‘settle for less’ until 1999 and the disaster of losing everything.
It was a very frightening time for me, but also a very enlightening one, albeit the insights are only lately coming into clarity.
I had spent my life to that point setting every ounce of my considerable strength and will toward becoming ‘just like everyone else’… thinking that if I could manage this, then I would really ‘belong’ and the ache of having always felt out of place, alienated, misunderstood, and rejected would be cured.
The problem with that mindset is obvious, isn’t it? I’m chuckling.
So, there I was, just like everyone else. And I really thought I was happy. Everyone around me thought I was happy. We were this amazing group of mass delusionists, tripping around telling one another how happy we all were so we wouldn’t forget that we were happy.
Then came the disaster. And the slow, painful process of losing every shred of support for the illusion. And the several years of bouncing along the rocky riverbed and rediscovering all the many things yet unresolved.
It was like setting off a fog horn in a newborn’s face. I just shut down. Too much. Overstimulation. Couldn’t handle it.
For a while, I lived by rote. And waited for the illusion to shore up and wrap me in its thick, cottony embrace. It didn’t. And I found myself questioning not only why it didn’t, but why I had spent all those years struggling to be ‘just like everyone else’ when I simply… wasn’t. I never have been. And I never would be.
Bouncing along the riverbed, I got a real close-up look at what I really want from life, and a reminder of all the things that simply do… not… matter to me. Never have. I remember very clearly facing the moment in which I had to actually, consciously choose if I were going to admit and accept this or begin lying to myself and start building the shell of social polish our culture requires.
I just could not do it. Not again. I was angry with myself for having permitted myself the deception. It was the first time. And the last. Among the many decisions made during that period was that I would not continue to try and ‘keep up with the Joneses’.
Another was that I would not return to the dating scene. I knew what I wanted, I knew it wasn’t going to be found in the places that are common for social interaction, and I knew I wasn’t willing to settle for less.
From that point on, life got really simple, really fast. And until very recently, I had done a very good job of remembering myself and turning to myself for what was needed to find peace and contentment in life.
I understand in this moment why I deviated from the path. And I have made my way back to it. And for the first time, I’m not punishing myself for the mistake. Instead, I forgive myself and choose kindness. Lessons are learned by experience. I have had an experience. It has taught me well. I am thankful that I have the humble ability to learn. Life goes on. So do I. It is as it is, and as it is, it is good.