the words keep flowing to me, a river of confirmation and comfort, also of wisdom and learning. this, found within a favorite sangha, in response to my request for quote about removing oneself from negative situations, rejecting negative people, and that to do so is not a wrong thing:
“One moment friends,
The next, they’re bitter enemies.
Even pleasant things arouse their discontent:
Worldly people – hard it is to please them!A beneficial word and they resent it,
While all they do is turn from the good.
And if to what they say i close my ears,
Their anger burns, the cause of lower states.Jealous of superiors, they vie with equals,
Proud to those below, they strut when praised.
Say something untoward, they seethe with rage:
What good was ever had from such childish folk?Keep company with them and what follows?
Self-aggrandizement and scorn for others,
Talk about the “good things” of samsara,
Every kind of vice is sure to come.Only ruin can result
From links like these, between yourself and others.
For they will bring no benefit to you,
And you in turn can bring them nothing good.Therefore flee the company of childish people.
Greet them, when you must meet them, with smiles
That keep on terms of pleasant courtesy,
While not inviting close familiarity.Like bees that get their honey from the flowers,
Take only what is consonant with Dharma.
Treat them like first-time acquantances,
without encouraging a close relationship.”
Shantideva, ‘The Way of the Bodhisattva’
another, this one given by one who teaches online and has the blessings of a lineage in support of it. So many insightful and wise words, and much tender gifting of learning i have found in this place:
“I was listening to a Garchen Rinpoche teaching on bodhicitta (bodhicitta = the heart of the enlightened mind – achieved through perfection of the 4 Immeasurables)… in it he started that whenever someone acts in an unskillful fashion, remember the kindest act that they have ever committed as an antidote, so that you can continue to generate loving kindness towards that person.
As usual, I did alot of contemplation/reflection on this teaching and came up with what might prove a useful addition to an already powerful skillful means.
Whenever someone acts in an unskillful fashion, recall in your mind the most unskillful act that you’ve committed in your entire life.
Imagine if everyone you met judged you solely on this unskillful action.
Now compare this unskillful action to the unskillful action that was committed by this other person.
If you want others not to judge you on your worst behavior, how you could not forgive this action committed by someone else.
Now that you have forgiven this action by the other person, call to mind the kindest act that they have ever committed as an antidote.
Next forgive yourself for the most unskillful action that you have committed and call to mind the kindest act that you have ever committed as an antidote.
We are indebted to all sentient beings because without the opportunity to generate bodhicitta on their behalf enlightenment would not be possible.
This is why difficult people in particular are considered precious for practicing the dharma.”– Konchog Thubten
i see two halves of this matter, refraining so as to avoid an increase of negativity and finding the way to have genuine compassion for those who wound or offend me.
it is hard to accept that one cannot reach another. hard to accept that one cannot create understanding in another, that it must be chosen. hard to accept that one can be condemned and rejected for things that do not exist in one, but are perspectives and judgements chosen by another.
the choice to refrain was the hardest for me. but, now made, is an immediate relief. on its heels, many whispers to the universe to send insight and aid for the remaining sadness that such things are required. the response to this request, frankly, has been overwhelming. all of these words delivered in very short order indeed, and in them, peace and a return to center. i am very thankful.
the last ‘step’ for me in laying it all to rest is to find my way past the lingering resentment and anger for the manner in which i have been abused by this person. it is an impediment in need of overcoming, and i aspire to more than this negative state of being.
the first step, of course, is to find my way to forgive them the abuse and see it not as this, but as an opportunity to learn and grow.
the following is my starting point in this effort… to transmute these residuals into more beneficial forms, and to find in the process the way to insure such is less likely in future:
“When I see beings of unpleasant character
Oppressed by strong negativity and suffering,
May I hold them dear – for they are rare to find –
As if I had discovered a jewel treasure.”– From “The Eight Verses on Transforming the Mind” by Geshe Langri Thangpa
i start with an admission — the idea that negative or difficult people are our best teachers has not been hard to embrace… i have often found this to be the case. the things that we consider ‘negative’ or ‘difficult’ about them often point best and most directly to our own negativities and difficulties.
indeed, i often think the reason we find others negative and difficult is because they remind us of those things with which we have not dealt and, the desire to avoid that inevitable dealing is the fuel that creates our negative response to them.
with this in mind, i consider the things that most hurt me, the things that were the most painful. and while i will admit that i flinch, i am thankful that it is not an immediate avoidance or rejecting response i find in myself.
i fully intend to discourse at length on my discoveries as i progress through this. it will, i think, be helpful to me to put it to writing and mindfully set into the light that of me which is needful of work.