in relation to the immediately preceding post, this is the list of the things that most hurt me. i admit that i am lightly surprised at how quickly they rise to be listed. i am at once ashamed to be so able to list them and somewhat relieved that i do not shy away from the listing. the process of relating them to myself so as to discover why they hurt will likely take more time and be more difficult.
i intend to address each of these as their own topic over the coming days. that said, here is the list:
1 – pride
this other was very proud of their knowledge. they were proud of themselves and often spoke highly of themselves, usually by contrasting themselves with others they deemed ‘lesser’.
2 – insecurity
this other was forever assuming that any question or disagreement with their opinion or perspective was a deliberate and intentional slight against them, personally.
3 – irascibility
this other was touchy; always looking for a reason to disagree or take offense.
4 – lying
this other would often lie about things, not knowing the truth had been provided via other avenues.
5 – anger
this other would many times become extremely angry over the smallest of things, often making great and long-lasting tirades.
6 – accusations
many times, this other would accuse me of things they did themselves, oddly it often seemed these accusations would arise shortly after they had done these things themselves… almost as if they were attempting to shift the guilt/blame/fault.
i forever labored under the weight of their constant accusation of ulterior motivations of dubious or malignant intent and any effort to demonstrate kindness or compassion to them was labeled as ‘coddling’ of them, or some manner of insincere pandering to them.
another common accusation was that ‘i had to be right’.
7 – delusions
many times, this other would tell me something and, scant days or weeks after doing so, insist they never had or, worse yet, accuse me of somehow ‘digging up’ the information. another habitual delusion was this others odd insistence that people were ‘out to get them’ or acting with deliberate malice in regard to them.
8 – blindness, inability to listen, and intolerance
this other regularly refused to hear the things i tried to communicate. they regularly insisted the things i said were either ignorant, unfounded, incorrect, or that my intent or motivations were unsound or misplaced.
9 – inability to apologize
despite the knowledge that many times they seriously hurt my feelings, often to the point of weeping or despair, this other was literally incapable of acknowledging their actions as hurtful, expressing remorse or sorrow for them, or in any way aspiring to put an end to them.
10 – emotional manipulation
in contrast to the above, this other often demanded apologies and extreme displays of contrition whenever their feelings were hurt or they deemed themselves in any way slighted.
a refusal or a request to consider mutuality forever resulted in anger or accusations of being manipulative. anything other than complete and utter submission resulted in the use of silence and avoidance or withdrawal as ‘punishment’.
11 – being judgmental and assumptive
this other forever handed down judgments of my words or actions and enjoyed to tell me what my intentions and motivations were, regardless the reality that they did not know them and never asked about them. any attempt to address them or deliver them as they existed here was dismissed as deceit or manipulation.
12 – scorekeeping
this other had a habit of re-introducing past arguments or points of contention to instigate conflict. nothing was ever forgiven fully, let alone forgotten.
13 – selfishness
this other consistently thought of themselves first, ever, and always.