i am not going to give myself time to change my mind about doing this. undertaking this first one immediately.
this other was very proud of their knowledge. they were proud of themselves and often spoke highly of themselves, usually by contrasting themselves with others they deemed ‘lesser’.
ok. the goal here is to understand what about this behavior caused me to react negatively. also, to understand what in myself is in need of work so as to have this kind of behavior not result in negative reaction from me in the future.
with this in mind… and proceeding mindfully, my thoughts…
i have always suffered for the pride of others. especially in those situations where that pride has resulted in judgment of me as inferior or in dismissive behavior towards me.
from the time i was very small, i was surrounded by people who considered me of little or no value. they never made a secret of it. most times, it was delivered to me as if it were knowledge that i should really just… accept.
within myself, i have always believed that all beings have value. beyond this, that all beings are here for a purpose, to learn, and to grow as a result of that learning. this perspective has been set upon many times and often vehemently. that it is set upon at all often angers me. how can anyone justify relegating another to ‘worthless’?
my experiences have conditioned me to think poorly of those who judge without making an effort to explore or understand. but it has also brought me the insight that most people make these judgments from sheer thoughtlessness, carelessness.
with this in mind, i do make cursory efforts to convey myself, but if/when they are met with anything other than thoughtfulness, generally retreat to a position of neutrality.
i am often told that this neutrality/equamity in the face of disagreement is pride. this is, to me, a puzzling thing. i understand the thought process…
“you do not find it worthwhile to debate/argue with me, therefore you must find my position (or me) so vastly inferior that you have no concern for it, thus, you are prideful.”
… but it is an incorrect understanding of why i do not feel compulsion to conflict.
faced with someone who would follow this train of thought to this conclusion, what possible point in trying to give them understanding?
have they not already demonstrated their willingness to judge and condemn, will it be any less for my effort to explain myself? i have never found it so.
the explanation, were it possible for me to convey it that those who do this might hear it, would go thus:
i realize that your perspective and opinion is the result of your experiences and your thoughts about those experiences.
i understand and accept that, as such, they are meaningful to you and serve a purpose in your life.
i further understand that, so long as you present them with challenge, what you’re really saying is that you need the agreement of others to feel secure in your embrace of them.
since to agree with you is something i cannot do, and to disagree with you is to invite negativity, i choose to do nothing and to accept in silence whatever choice you make is yours to make as well as endure the consequences thereof.
however, looking deeper, i realize that i have my own issues of pride to contend with… i am proud of not being prideful. this comes with its own set of challenges, not the least of which is an on-going battle with feeling superior to those who i see being loudly and overtly prideful.
it is not a thing i would or have ever said aloud. it is a thing for which i often feel shame. i understand that pride is often a defense mechanism; an armor against injury that many people wear in the world simply to attempt from being perpetually bruised by the shallow, callow, carelessness of our culture and society.
when i take the time to remember this to myself, i no longer feel pride. instead, i feel compassion and i ache and hurt for those who find this a necessity. i ache and hurt that such things are attractive, and that the world and its people are still too closely tied to base states to choose other than to sustain the offense against which pride is found an effective buffer.
so… if not pride, what? if i am to transmute this pride of non-pride, it seems the best possible goal would be to make of it understanding and compassion. the trick, of course, is overcoming my own humanity and reflexive response to it. mindfulness is key.
here, a nod and smile to buddhism. the basic tenets repeatedly stress the need to develop mindfulness, and that it is the foundation upon which all other insights and wisdom rest. it is a good thing to take this time and review myself… and to remind myself of the ‘how’ and ‘why’ of things… and to rededicate myself to finding ways to be other than negative, especially to those who are prideful.
ultimately, pride is an admission of doubt, fear, and anger. none of these things are soothed by the resentment or condemnation that would normally result from experiencing them.
understanding its purpose and the many fears that often quiver behind it, how can i be other than kind in the face of pride?
i am crying, of course. for many reasons. i think this is enough to keep me mindful for now on how i should respond to pride.