today has been a day of introspection, and not just a little melancholy. granted, i blame weird week for most of it… but not all. anyway, item 3 from ‘the list’:
this other was touchy; always looking for a reason to disagree or take offense.
one of the things that hurt me the most was this. it was to forever feel afraid and never feel fully accepted. as if nothing i could ever do or say was quite good enough or kind enough or caring enough that this other would react differently.
i always felt lesser for it. and ashamed and guilty for not ‘being better’, which, in thinking about it was ludicrous, for i am not a bad person. but i sit here, remembering, and recalling how this other seemed instinctively to know just what to do or say to counter any feeling of accomplishment or contentment that i had done a good thing.
i try to think of a single time that this other actually commended me. i cannot come up with even one instance that did not also hold some manner of correction, chiding, or dubiousness.
i remember how much i wanted this other to smile. i remember being happy to do things for them and anticipate their enjoyment of them. and i remember how, time after time, they could never quite manage to just… receive and be happy to do so.
such pointless anger this one directed at me. one of the areas in which this was especially prevelant was around discussions of methods to build online communities. in particular, within virtual worlds.
this other was so prideful on the matter, and absolutely insistent that i had no insight that was not trumped by their knowledge. they were vociferous in their bragging and boasting and many times would enrage at me for suggesting the works of others in this area.
there were few conversations that did not degenerate into argument for this other’s insistence upon forever ‘being right’ or ‘more knowledgeable’ or ‘more experienced’ and i always felt angry that it seemed to always come to that, when i didn’t care for any of it, only the result/outcome/goal being met.
they were so busy making it into a personal war for vindication that they could never see i just wanted it to happen. their methods, others methods, my methods, who cares the methods so long as it works? this was my perspective… but not this other’s. never this other’s.
over time, i allowed this other’s irascibility to create the same in me. mostly out of frustration for being unable to incite other than this from them, but also for the many things i watched fall into ruins because this other would rather see it in ruins than see it succeed by any method but their own.
it… was… such… a… frustration. and it hurt because it did not have to be that way. but it was. forever it was this other’s choice.
i understand in this moment how much of this irascibility was tied to this other’s insecurity and pride. and i understand how the three inflamed and fed off one another. i understand how impossible it was to get through the barbed-wire of this triplicate defense/coping mechanism. believe me, i bear the scars of the trying and accept the impossibility.
but to understand why i felt the need to insist on trying… sitting here thinking about it, i first think of my own idealism and how it played into this. i see many possibilities in all situations. always have. i look for good outcomes, paths to positive ends. when i can see them ahead, i want to make them real.
this is hardly unique to me, i know this other does much the same. but i think where we differed was the need for control. ironically, this was something the other always accused me of wanting ‘too much’ — to control. in this moment, i know it as the projection it was… their need for control laid as indictment on me.
the demand for me to ‘prove’ i didn’t want control became something i was not willing to endure. one of my first, real pushbacks against it all and ultimately, the one that resulted in this other’s abandonment.
the constant anger and patronization, suspicion and temper for my refusal to be dominated at all times often led to my own lashing out — back to the wall and finally unwilling to accept the abuse — i let spill the things i so often saw in this other, becoming just as irascible as they were. which, of course, only “confirmed” in their mind the warped image they saw when they looked at me.
pointless. frustratingly so.
my negative reaction here was twofold — first, that i thought it possible to change this other’s perspective of me, when it was wholly based upon things internal to them. second, that i, in frustration and anger for that frustration, allowed myself to to become in any moment just what they perceived me to be.
the challenge seems plain – to find ways to choose other than frustration, which is almost always based in expectation. and to find ways to be other than angered by irascibility when it arrives.
compassion is the key. why was it so important for me that they not judge me? how could i think it possible to avert it? why could i not simply accept the things that caused this in the other and, instead of being frustrated and angering for it, find my way to compassionately forgive it?
thorny questions. i do not have the answers yet. but i will find them. this will help.