continuing my work on identifying how items from ‘the list’ of another’s behaviors created negativity in me, why they did, and how i might transmute that to more positive ends, this, a contemplation of item number 6, accusations.
many times, this other would accuse me of things they did themselves, oddly it often seemed these accusations would arise shortly after they had done these things themselves… almost as if they were attempting to shift the guilt/blame/fault.
i forever labored under the weight of their constant accusation of ulterior motivations of dubious or malignant intent and any effort to demonstrate kindness or compassion to them was labeled as ‘coddling’ of them, or some manner of insincere pandering to them.
another common accusation was that ‘i had to be right’.
this one was one of the more hurtful ones for me. it took me a while to really see it clearly of this other. i did not want to see it at all, admittedly.
it began as little, sarcastic jibes that cut at me for not becoming angry with others when this other thought i should have, or sometimes, for choosing to be kind when this other did not think it deserved.
oddly, these two were usually in relation to themselves… looking back, it seemed they expected me to be angry or unforgiving and, when i chose otherwise, seemed driven to accuse me of ‘secretly feeling that way’ and ‘just not admitting it’.
this often led to the ‘coddling’ accusation… that it was impossible i was not angry or otherwise negatively affected, therefore, i was instead merely pandering to others, humoring, patronizing, or coddling them. being insincere to and with them.
the underlying accusation of course, was one of untrustworthiness and deception.
another string of accusations often arose at and after the point in time when i finally accepted that, at best, all i would ever be able or allowed to enjoy of this other was friendship. i made the mistake of saying so honestly. from that point forward, at every possible opening, i was accused of ‘not really meaning that’ and that all actions were guided by the ‘ulterior motivate’ of somehow ‘manipulating’ this other into a closer relationship.
this, also, known in this moment to be demonstration of distrust, suspicion, and a conviction that i was simply a deceitful person out to ‘get over’ on this other.
i hardly can imagine i need to say why this was hurtful. but i will, as that is part of the process.
this was hurtful because i worked so hard to be open and honest to this other.
this was hurtful because i made a choice to be vulnerable to this other and they did very little more than repeatedly punish me for it.
this was hurtful because i know that i am not the kind of person this other so often accused me of being, and i know i did everything humanly possible to convey this, to demonstrate it, and they simply… refused… to… accept it.
this was also hurtful to me because i did not like having to accept this other was incapable of trust. or incapable of responding humanely and compassionately to me. or unwilling to even attempt to do so.
i fully understand the level of fear and anxiety this other must face to make these choices so consistent, so permanent, so utterly preferrable. and this hurt me, too. i do not like to see others suffering. it calls me to try and help. and when i cannot, i feel badly.
but i do realize in this moment that the most important aspects of helping another rest in their interest in being helped, their admission that help is needed, and their choice to work toward becoming other than one who does these things.
he had no interest in any of it. indeed, he usually insisted it was everyone else being unreasonable, unjust, untrustworthy, unreliable, unstable, the list goes on and on.
and, of course, this brings us to the last accusation…
his own insistence that he was forever right and anyone who in any way held another view was forever wrong… which, more often than not, was projected onto others in an odd effort to place them on the defensive… accusations that others ‘always needed to be right’. an accusation i frequently received from him.
he was unable to see that if this had ever been true, i would never have remained around him as long as i did.
he was unable to see that someone who has that level of need to ‘always be right’ doesn’t stay where they are forever being told they are wrong, and of all the ways they are wrong.
he was unable to see that the reality of my remaining through so many of those accusations was the best evidence of how wrong they really were and are and remain.
he was unable to see. blinded by his fear, his pride, and his own need to be validated in every moment, a thing that could not abide that any such be given to anyone but himself.
manifestation of insecurity, and also of selfishness. ever and always. and it hurt me, because i understand the pain and suffering that brings these things into being. because i know he hurt. and because he absolutely and utterly refused to allow me to soothe that hurt or suffering.
so far as i could ever tell, in weird ways, he actually prefers it.
this is what created my negative response. to see it all and realize this and know it is a choice freely made in every moment.
it created in me frustration. and anger. and i often… no… no… i stop myself here. that is a confidence he gave me in trust and even now, i will not betray it.
i chose negativity out of my own anger and frustration. i could have chosen compassion. i did in some moments, but in the latter days, it was impossible for me. too much hurt and the additional pain of knowing the outcome long before it arrived. human. yes. faulty and flawed and unable to be otherwise. i admit it.
i wanted nothing more than to be compassionate. i let him push me so far beyond my own boundaries that i lost even the ability to be compassionate.
i am still shamed to admit it. but i do admit it. i should have turned long ago, as soon as i saw where the path led. i did see it. i thought if i tried hard enough, i could shift it. i was not willing to admit all the things i admit in this moment. and he suffered more for it. as did i.
i work to forgive myself this. i forgave him long ago. forgiving myself takes longer because i saw it, i knew it… he never did.
and i realize the nature of this challenge and what it is for me. to find the way to halt my desire for helping and make of it the aspiration that it should be. and to choose going forward compassion rather than frustration and anger. and to realize as well that when that moment arrives when i can see that i am unable to give, to turn without regret and accept what is.