woohoo for no sleep. my sleeping schedule is severely upside down at the moment.
sitting here thinking about ‘things in general’ and it is with some surprise that i find a thing that has until very recently been heavy and difficult is… well, ok, i’m not sure that it is, but i think it may be… that is, its presence feels non (if that makes sense)… gone.
i’m not really sure when it actually happened. and in truth, i’m not really sure it HAS happened. but i think it has. stars. hard to describe, obviously.
do you know the feeling of something that has bothered you? really weighed on you? kept you awake at night? leeched enjoyment from everything from the taste of food to that peaceful sense you have just before you open your eyes in the morning?
something that has lain over practically every thought and feeling, until it all just seemed to fade to grey? where even a smile is just a little less full because it’s there?
and if you know this feeling, do you remember how you felt the first moment you had any of these things, and wearily expected that pall to have its usual effect…. only it didn’t?
and you’d become so used to it being there that the absence of it is almost like tripping over the sidewalk… or missing the top stair… or tipping back just a wee bit too far in the chair and then wobbling as you search for balance?
that’s the feeling i’m talking about at this moment. that feeling and one more… the feeling you get when you transition from realizing it is gone to letting everything that had been weighted by its presence spring back into place… the successful recovery of balance, the sigh of relief, the sense of being ‘back to normal’ or at least close enough that you can say so.
i sit here and chuckle because nothing has changed. and yet… everything has changed.
i’m tempted to reverse-engineer it. but you know what? i don’t think i will. kind of the way i decided to drop ‘the list’… i say for now, but it may well be for good. in this moment, it’s all the same. i am starting to see that my dissection of things in the name of understanding them more often than not only prolongs any misery found in them.
sometimes, understanding a thing is less important than just letting it go.
what a silly human i am to take so long to see that.
better late than never. 🙂