continuing this, feeling somewhat relieved and perhaps even eager to be done with it all.
i find there is some corrolation between items on this list. they weave a pattern wherein one thing refers to another, or is nourished by another. it is interesting to see this as i carefully pull it apart and examine it.
here, item number 8 from ‘the list’:
this other regularly refused to hear the things i tried to communicate. they regularly insisted the things i said were either ignorant, unfounded, incorrect, or that my intent or motivations were unsound or misplaced.
the first sentence is the core of this item, the remainder, merely referenece to other items and pointing toward the things outlined by them.
i can honestly say this is the first encounter in my life wherein someone completely refused to hear me. and i admit, it took me quite a while to understand, then to accept this was the case. much confusion for accepting words given at face value and slowly discovering they were and are illusion from this other.
the negativity here rises from knowing he never tried to listen; an indication of many things, most of which have already been listed at length, so i’ll not be redundant.
already this is being transmuted, so this likely will be the shortest of the contemplations. i understand my own negativity rose out of anger toward him for his inability. i understand as well that my anger toward him diminished me and was pointless in relation to him.
there is no point in my anger. it solves nothing, and only hurts me.
i remember how he spoke bitterly of those who did not care for him, and how lonely and sad he was for all the ways they never reached, never tried. it is one of the great ironies that he was just as blind to one who did care as he perceived others were blind to him.
in this moment, my anger is slowly fading, replaced by a sadness for knowing how this inability of him continues to hurt him and insure he is alienated in all but the most superficial ways from others. it is easy, thus, to feel compassion for him, and to find the way to wish for him becoming.
for myself, a reminder that choosing anger for that which is denotes foolishness.