continuing in the wee hours, having awakened from a deep sleep ‘for no apparent reason’.
this, item 10 of ‘the list’, and i have felt so much falling away as i continue these. it is well to see this through, and to speak these words to the universe. i only rarely hurt for any of it in this moment, and what lingering ache there is softens as i continue to remind myself of these things.
so, number 10 – emotional manipulation:
in contrast to the above, this other often demanded apologies and extreme displays of contrition whenever their feelings were hurt or they deemed themselves in any way slighted.
a refusal or a request to consider mutuality forever resulted in anger or accusations of being manipulative. anything other than complete and utter submission resulted in the use of silence and avoidance or withdrawal as ‘punishment’.
by this time, so much has been set forth and understood that it seems there is a lot of redundancy. the recurring themes of selfishness, pride, fear, delusion, avoidance, lack of mindfulness… they are throughout this item as well. i will not reiterate. instead, i look for something not yet touched upon or spoken of, and it is in this mindset that i consider this item.
emotional manipulation is defined as a series of interpersonal tactics that are based in or rely upon creating or sustaining a particular emotional state in others. some examples include:
inflammatory words – arousing or expressing feelings of approval or disapproval to get others to concede. inflammatory words evoke emotions that may be untrue or irrelevant to the situation under review.
pressure tactics – intimidating others into agreement.
appeal to sentiment – using pity or compassion to get others to accept particular conclusions.
ridicule – saying something to make others appear contemptible as a way of forcing them to concede to a position.
all of these require a level of insight to another’s character and methods, and all of them require that the target has invested trust. succinctly, emotional manipulation is an abuse of trust.
this other was particularly adept at emotional manipulation and abuse, and more often than not, used each of these four methods to pursue it.
in addition, he was a non-critical thinker, a dilettante; overly-receptive and vague, he resented any form of authority or discipline and was easily distractible. he forever operated from a narrow and limiting frame of reference, and continually pressured others to doubt or exclude new ideas or ways of doing things.
when this didn’t succeed, he fell back upon ridicule, appeals to sentiment, and pressure tactics in particular to coerce others. if this failed, he progressed quickly to inflammatory words and if this failed, he simply withdrew and ‘punished’ others until they agreed to permit him full control or do things ‘his way’.
this was a modus operandi that consistently played itself out over the course of knowing him, and not only within the context of our relationship.
it created negativity here for many reasons, not the least of which was the utter hypocrisy with which he espoused positive interaction and mindfulness. it created a lot of frustration and anger up to the point that i finally realized what was happening and that he was actually blind to the critical bifurcation of his own personality.
i know for a fact he does not intend to be as he is. but i also know he is so splintered and avoidant that he cannot be any other way.
and this is the realization that at last transmutes my negativity and anger with regard to him. the swell of compassion at the thought of being trapped in such a pattern and unable to permit oneself to see it well enough to do more than flounder in it… is profound.
it is an interesting process, this. i no longer weep for my own pain. i now weep for knowing more deeply his own, and that he is either unwilling or perhaps unable to clear the weeds long enough to see it fully, which is required for any degree of becoming to take place.
how i wish it were possible to lend this insight to him. how i wish it were possible to do so and not know he would immediately reject it with accusations of harshness and negativity.
it is not being harsh to speak truth. and it is not negative to do so with the intent of rendering insight. he never could see clearly enough to know this, and he was never able to ask toward intent.
i know this suffering is not a thing i can soothe. nor heal. nor touch. but it is hard, this knowing. it is hard to know he suffers. the ache of compassion is heavy. it is hard to know i am unable because being unable speaks to my own issues and blindnesses, the reality that i am just as imperfect and unable in those areas that would lend toward being able to soothe, touch, heal.
the best i can give to him is nothing because he cannot accept from me.
heavy thought.