here i am, again, thinking about you. i no longer hurt for the things you did. i just miss you. i think about how happy i know you must have been to get the job in austin. i think about how relieved you had to feel to return to something known, something safe, something stable. i smile and am happy to know you are happy in this.
i think about you being in a town you know, and a place where there are people you know. i hope they give you better support than when you were in portland and later, vancouver.
i think about you getting out and about town. enjoying music, enjoying the local shambhala center, enjoying. i smile for this, too.
i think about puddles. and how happy you must be to have him there with you.
i think about how good it is for you to be back amongst books. i know you love them so.
i think about how that stability might help you find motivation to do more creatively. and i think about how much delight you take in being creative. i smile for this, too.
i know all of this works out for the best. that you are in austin and happy… and that i am now moving as well… changes insuring our distance is permanent… this is indication and evidence of all things being in their right place.
i know that you would not be there had things not happened as they did. i know i would not be heading where i am in this moment without it happening as it did.
i smile for that too, because it means all the hurting was not without benefit, not for you, not for me, even if we couldn’t manage to be good to one another, the hurts are turned by the universe to good ends.
i still miss you. it isn’t hard to stop writing to you. i can only open myself up to so much punishment and i was tired of your cutting long ago.
still, this is the first i’ve written to you since august. the first i’ve had even the lightest interest in doing so.
this interest is now tempered by knowing your disinterest. i no longer write to you, for you. you’ll never see this.
oddly, it’s ok. you’ll feel it even if you don’t see it, and maybe that’s all that matters… the the universe sends you the energy i would share in such a way that you will not deny it simply to cut at me once more.
m told me you often said things to me that you didn’t even mean. i recognized your words in her words. i never understood what it was about me that motivated you to try and bend me to the ground before you.
sometimes i wonder if you ever knew i’d have knelt willingly, you never had to try and force me. only ask. i do realize how impossible that was for you.
i finally found the way to transmute the anger. but the ache remains. so much possibility unrealized. but i know that’s my perspective, and you never saw it that way. it’s alright. i’ve found the way to forgive myself the idealism. and to forgive you the hypocrisy.
my life turns to better things, and eventually, the impulse to tell you things will pass, as all things do. the ache for all the things that could not be will pass. my care for you will be softened and muted with time. a distant memory, a gentle reminder that love isn’t about anything more than being.
regardless all, i do love you. both you as you are, and you as i know you wanted to be.
little buddha girl sighs. i wish i could have been less human. too much in the way. maybe next life. i smile. it is as it is. it is enough.