doing laundry, packing, and trying to avoid the opening bars of weird week. not succeeding.
it is odd to me that my thoughts turn so easily, readily to certain things during this time. i detest that this is the way of it, but in weird ways, i also enjoy it. a painful enjoyment, but honesty matters.
i begin to see… huh. yes. that is the phrase, isn’t it? a nod to memory. those four words are part of a pattern. me admitting to myself a thing ignored or avoided.
reiterating… i begin to see i was right in thinking it would not be so easy to forget. i am angry with myself for this remembering. but to pause, to breathe, and to choose kindness, i do not punish myself for it.
i am about to move. the avenues of access are closing. i watch the door with the eyes in the back of my head… there is but the smallest sliver remaining. and i both smile and cry. a smile for managing not to leap and shove something there to keep it open. tears for knowing there is no one on the other side who cares that it closes.
reminders of reality that i no longer avoid.
all the thoughts that jumble here, a tornado of debris, the last, that which stubbornly refuses to be set aside. the twins are happy for it… hope and idealism… perky bitches, if i thought i could get away with it, i’d slit both their throats.
it is getting better. slowly. time and silence remind me of reality. remind me of that which is not. i still need the reminders, even as they hurt when they arrive. it’s the only way to keep the twins still.
i feel foolish and am angry with myself for the foolishness. angry for not being able to stop caring about the door behind me. he doesn’t look back. he never did. why the hell am i?
so much time spent reminding myself of all the ways it was and is pointless. hopeless. i know these things. why, then, this ongoing ache?
perhaps i am too impatient with myself. perhaps it is simply a matter of time. this must be the case, haven’t i managed to turn loose of so much already? yes. i nod to myself. yes, i have.
and isn’t it completely logical to assume that trend will continue? yes. yes, it is.
rambling here, talking to myself via the written word. you have, you will, so be kind to yourself. let it be. stop flinching every time you think of him. it is ok to think of him when it is like this… it is ok to remember hope, and grieve it. it is ok. this too shall pass. right?
stars, i hope so.