had a tender conversation with a good friend tonight, updating them on events occuring while we were apart from one another.
sitting here now, thinking about the four states and contemplating things in relation to ‘it all’.
i think it is a good thing to place these thoughts here. reminders. and gifts.
for the last few days, i have felt intensely happy for h. i have spent time imagining him happy and working. also making new things and enjoying the dabbling and effort of the doing. it is good to think in that direction and find only soft wishes toward benefit. it is good that the rest is gone.
i think also of m. in this moment, feeling sad for how my own anger insured such an abyss, and feeling sad for how their distrust and hate contributed. over the last days, i have spent a considerable amount of time reworking my thoughts and orientation in relation to them. i smile because i know they are happy that h is there once more. i smile to think of them both tooling about town. or just sitting somewhere enjoying one another’s company. imagine him softly content, without rancor, thoughtful and rested and relaxed. imagine him at peace, no fear of losing or loss.
and i think about c. it is hard to write the things i think, there are many and they are still jumbled in places. but i remember reading her tirade and i hurt for the hurt she has found in it. i feel sad for how she thinks i hate her. i do not. never have. i am sad for how i am unable to be what is helpful to her. and i am sad for how that inability creates hate and disdain in her. in my thoughts, i send images of happiness and health. imagine her with friends, feeling cared for, and smiling. imagine the lingering hurt of things wilting and drying and blowing away… dust on the wind. imagine her finding all things in the moment she wants them and moving toward fulfillment, contentment, and peace.
i am surprised the ache i feel for these thoughts. and i am surprised also that the harsher things are not present. chiding myself for it. why did i not know how simple it was to let it go? i should have known. i feel as if i should have known.
surprised as well for not blaming myself. so many mistakes. aversion to the things that hurt and attachment to the ones that felt good and nourished self. spreading them out on the table of my mind, i can see it all… gnarly, hairy, matted, and slick with stickiness. i am laughing at myself. how was it possible any of that was attractive?
best of all, or worst. both. neither. hm. anyway… there is no longer the impulse to try. what a joyous relief that is. no need to water the thorny weed of anger. i dug it up and used it as fodder for something more. it feels oddly unfeeling, not-angry, not-sad, not-happy, not-pensive, not-hopeful, not-begrudging, not-not-not… knock knock? whose there?
nothing.
it’s just a moment of course. but it is. i watch it from the corner and wonder at it. is this really me? stars. of course not. it’s we.
the ache is strong, but it is no more hurtful. hard to describe. becoming is. is. not is.
bleh. words do not work. so much for thinking i could document it.
i smile anyway. it is felt. it is known. maybe it is contagious.
i hope.