untrue, of course. but winded nonetheless. my local practicioner-teacher, guru when Rinpoche is traveling, he called me shortly after the last post.
he wanted to know ‘how i was doing’.
he doesn’t know anything about what is happening here directly, as i do not think he has had the time to read this place, and i have been reluctant to speak of it as it is a good sized Sangha and there are many others with more serious issues and needs than what i experience.
but he called to ask how i was doing. so i told him i was shaking off some things and setting others to practice. that i was alright, and perhaps slowly getting better.
he told me again not to be discouraged by the wave of negativity and suffering coming my way. which struck me weird, because i have not spoken to him of it. but then he elaborated and in that process, provided some insight and more than a little comfort.
he said that this tradition is one in which enlightenment within a lifetime is the goal. and that, unlike the other traditions, where layers are slowly removed and becoming proceeds on a careful and controlled path through many lives, ‘peeling the bandaids off slowly’ (as he put it)… this tradition is more a ‘rip it off and breathe through the pain’ kind of thing.
great. i say that sardonically, but not without laughter. figures i would wind up in the ‘intensive’ class. but i do laugh. since when has my life ever been otherwise? (never.)
he said that even as he did not know what i was experiencing, he knew i was experiencing it… and that the first few months of a new refugee’s life are often fraught like this, and that it is a serious challenge and effort to remain balanced through it.
well… yeah. you can sure say that again.
but you know, it is a curious thing… because i look at this last year and how i began in one place and wind up in an unexpected and totally different other… and not just speaking of locales, mind you.
and i look at how every thing in the progression has fed the next step of it unfolding. in some very bizarrely unusual ways.
and i sit here, in this moment, and try to imagine how it could possibly have turned out this way except that, despite many things, i have slowly been flowing to this all my life.
and i realize i could not possibly have entered this stream were it not for the very precise and very specific events of this year.
and i realize all the more just how accurate my earlier assessment of things is.
he told me to keep practicing and to trust in the Dharma and the peerless ones to insure the way.
and i do. of all the things, events, others, feelings… of it all, the one, unquestioned, wholly accepted, fully embraced truth is and remains that this is where i am supposed to be in this moment, and that everything is perfectly as it is supposed to be in this moment, and that, despite my ignorance, regardless my weaknesses, despite my lack of skill, i am guarded, protected, and cherished by the peerless ones.
i can place my trust in their surety, their infinite compassion, their skillful means which so greatly trump my own… and so long as i do, and keep their insights and teachings close to me, all will benefit…. someday.
some of the recent negativity has been extremely hard to bear. but i suppose it is required to strip away everything and leave this tender heart as it should be.
the bhain sidhe, she quivers in fear for such a thing. so much effort has been made to layer this in callus, in armor, in moats and thickets of spikey thorns. to keep it from all and never again let it ache.
but the bodhisattva, she is smiling. every ache received, every cut taken, every moment of suffering will eventually become a moment in which another suffers not. and it is for this that she smiles.
the purpose. to benefit. others.
breath returns, and soon, the evening meditation, after which this day, spent in mindful thought of michael, will soon see result. for the first time ever, i actually smile to think of him.
it is an auspicious thing.
in truth, midway through today, a thought occurred and on monday, i will do more than think upon it. until then, i set it to mindful consideration… wanting to insure all aspects here are in accord with Dharma and most importantly, that this act, if undertaken, will not bring other than good to any who know of it.
for the first time, i am not afraid of the outcome. though i hesitate to say it, to set it here, i tremulously think it may well be just the thing that should have occurred.
i cannot think of it as a second chance. that would be foolish. instead, a ‘be well’ gift. a demonstration of intent that cannot be touched by any negativity.
i smile for that thought especially.
om benza sattva hum. may all benefit.