it has been an enjoyable day. the first half was preparing for domestic duty (laundry), then to visit with a sister in the Sangha and talk about upcoming events and teachings. we are very fortunate to have His Eminence Garchen Triptul Rinpoche coming to visit, and my root lama, Drupon Thinley Ningpo Rinpoche returns for Losar Puja.
we reviewed needs for the domain, and i have the CD of photos to get into the gallery. i am enjoying being able to serve in this capacity. i wound up fixing several problems on the domain itself while i was there, and left with the admin access to do more. looking forward to it. interesting aside, she has the biggest cat i have ever seen since Rama (a snow white cat i knew many years ago) named Freddie. as soon as i came in and sat down, Freddie was all over my feet. big old flirt, he was… rolling on the floor and purring as i rubbed behind the ear, the shoulder spot they can’t reach, and along the spine.
my friend came in from the other room to greet me and stopped short, exclaiming, ‘wow… Freddie doesn’t like anyone. that’s amazing.’ this is something i get a lot. kind of embarrassing, but also nice. anyway, i explained to her that animals just seem to enjoy me. the way i have it figured, they know i love them.
anyway… a very pleasant visit and then, to the laundry. the neighborhood i’m in is fairly ethnic, and the laundry had several young ones playing as we did the chores. i had a very interesting conversation with a young girl, her wonderful long hair carefully set back with the most amazing green rubber bands. she and i giggled on the benches outside as i waited for the wash to finish.
then, to the depot for a new drive. i had almost run out of space. heh. that won’t be a problem for a while now. 320gb. consider me making little ‘geek’ noises. got it all home and installed, spent two hours moving data and relinking shortcuts, etc. and then, meditation.
the phone rang just before i came here to post… my daughter calling to report on life in general. she attended the christmas party with her current fella, and sent me some shots. what an elegant woman she is growing into… i commented that i bet he didn’t leave her side more than two seconds all night. she gasped, ‘how did you know that?’ heh. oh my.
she told me also of my son. the two of them are spending time together regularly. this makes me smile. she has always missed the sense of a ‘regular family’ and this has gone a long way toward giving it to her.
so… the backchannel today has been centered on thinking about dependent origination and how it creates so much suffering in people. and it’s odd… because even three days ago, i would not have seen this as i do in this moment.
something is happening here. i’m not quite sure what just yet. somewhere in the last few days, a good bit of … well… everything… has just dropped away. i don’t feel like myself anymore. which is a darned odd feeling to have.
i’m not fooling myself… if i look around inside, i don’t see her, but i can hear her off in the distance, the bhain sidhe. but either she’s injured or she’s leaving…. it’s that echoey fading kind of feeling. i don’t think i can really describe it. but what i can describe is what is here in this moment… which is kind of nothing. very weird. i can’t even say i feel ‘good’ about it. it’s all just kind of… whatever it is. bleh.
anyway… dependent origination… the more i think on it, the more it seems like a real ‘duh’ moment. i’m laughing at myself because this… is… not… news. you know that feeling you get when you read something you know and just haven’t been paying attention to?
well that’s the feeling. that kind of sheepish, ‘oh man, how did i let myself forget to pay attention to this?’ kind of feeling.
oh. that’s the other thing. Focus is in effect. majorly. something huge is coming. i have no idea what. it doesn’t even matter. whatever it is, it is what is needed.
hah. i’m laughing now because i keep saying i’m going to write about all the thoughts i had today on dependent origination and here i am several paragraphs later and haven’t gotten to it yet. it’s kind of like my mind is happy to just let everything ‘fly through’.
actually, it feels somewhat embarrassing to admit to having been so thoughtless about it all.
i have been thoughtless with regard to keeping in mind that the things i attach to impede how well this presence in this life is able to benefit others.
i did not used to reach so eagerly after ‘things’. i did not used to try and hold ‘things’ the way i have these last years.
of course, the first instinct is to look for ‘reasons’ (excuses). but they don’t really matter, do they? the ego trembles and says, ‘oh… you are PERFECTLY justified… just look at this long list of reasons why this is so!’
hah. no. no thank you. since when did i have trouble saying i screwed up? (never) no, little hungry ego… i screwed up. a lot.
not only did i forget to remember that being here isn’t about all the shiny little pretties that catch the eye, the thought, the interest, the desire… i also forgot that chasing those little pretties means i’m not paying attention to the things that matter for how they will help.
i also forgot what i knew about the whole ‘right and wrong’ judgment cycle. what a ignorant and foolish thing, me.
set a marker. remember the error. do not repeat it. and try not to cringe too much for the markers that lay scattered over the ground behind me.
ego still tries though. pitiful thing. whispering from a conveniently hidden corner, ‘well, at least those are past mistakes, right? all behind you?’
makes me wish i had an infrared peashooter. maybe it is funny to talk to myself this way, but it helps in the learning. ‘no, you foolish thing, it is not ALL behind me. every one of those ignorant errors birthed results. and those results and all the things that result from those results remain and move in all the world around me, some at distance, some closer.
some will be suffering others will endure. some will return when least expected, and smack me in the head. some might fade and die without harm to others. but all of them are like pebbles in the lake, rippling outward. so no, ignorant, hopeful, evasive little ego… they are not all behind me. and to remember this and truly work to avoid setting more of these blasted markers is a damn challenge, thanks to you.’
little ego is silent.
i do hope the ones that bring suffering to others are few. i would much prefer them all to come back to me. bruise, curse, cut, and bleed… let them return to me rather than find others to afflict.
om mani padme hum.
addendum: balancing the checkbook, the receipt for the place where i ate today brings a chuckle. the name of the restaurant — The Three Coins. triad. smile.