i’m feeling a little upset right now. there is this huge conflict in life that is only going to get worse the further i go on this path. or better. maybe it’s just a matter of perspective.
what is it? well. glad you asked. i’ll sure tell you. i can even say it in one sentence:
you dont find enlightenment in the deep end of the samsara pool.
tonight, suddenly, i feel like this is hopeless for me. pointless. worse yet, i feel like i can’t possibly benefit anyone because i’m so mired in the tar of samsara that getting clear just seems to be impossible.
someone said to me tonight that i should go on retreat. there’s one coming up in the end of this month. the 26th to the 2nd.
they said it like i could just … go.
i sure wish they were right.
but as i told them, if i were to ‘just do it’ i’d also have to ‘just stay’ because there wouldn’t be any ‘there’ to come back to.
and here seems to be the real problem with the idea of being buddhist in the usa… we’re a nation of self-cherishing, culturally unforgiving, completely mercenary, and generally attached folks. i mean, we make a science as well as a business and an art of being attached. of wanting. of grasping and clinging.
born into this place and time, set in the middle of it, soaking in it to the chin, it just seems like the only choices are ‘give up’ or ‘give it all up’.
and here’s the thing — i’m not disinterested in the idea of giving it all up. but it just seems like an ‘all or nothing’ choice with no in-between. and i’m already alone and without any kind of safety net, cushion, family, support system, etc. i’m already stripped to bare essentials (ok, ok, i admit, i have a computer with internet access. that is not bare essentials. but frankly, visit my living space sometime and you’d understand.)
i’ve been homeless a couple of times in my life. i’m not unaware of the freedom in it. but i’m also very aware that i’m not going to benefit anyone floundering off the side of Maslow’s Hierarchy.
bah. it gets all snarled up at this point. i feel frustrated because i can feel and sense some fairly amazing things happening in my head and heart… and it feels like i’m about to run into a brick wall of ‘reality’ (aka samsara) that i haven’t the tools or enlightenment to ignore.
what does a pitiful, ignorant, human like me do?
other than foam and lightly whine on a blog and then, try to ignore it and hope it goes away rather than getting more intense. 🙁