it’s weird. the more i try to get into the Buddhist community, the more it seems i wind up back in my cocoon.
i’m really starting to think i’m not intended to ‘be part of a Sangha’ insofar as meetings and the like go. between schedules interfering and odd interactions thusfar, i really feel somewhat offput.
it’s like i’ve taken refuge and now… nothing. which would be funny were it not so strange.
my expectations are interfering, i think. i imagined regular practice meetings where working alongside others would be a comfort. where i could learn how to pronounce the words and where mistakes could be corrected and direction, given.
everyone says ‘be loyal to the practice’. well, really, duh. sorry. i know that’s not kind. but how the heck are you supposed to know what makes a good practice if the only input you get is ‘be loyal to the practice’?
i suppose you can’t go wrong with meditation and chanting. heck, i don’t even know enough of the chants to choose which might be helpful to practice regularly. i know three. i use them all. but for example, a very good friend is in the middle of a real crisis and i’d like to know if there is a specific meditation or chant that might be of more benefit.
i’m clueless.
sigh.
i can look up things, yes. but i guess i was thinking that being part of a Sangha meant you had others to talk with, ask of, and listen to…
bleh. i’m being impatient again. i know it.
i have this prayer book, and i use the english translations. maybe that’s good enough. i don’t know how to say the things in the other language (which language is it? sanskrit? pali? tibetan? something else?).
it occurs to me that it doesn’t matter. which makes me laugh and almost cry.
not like i’m on some deadline, is it? certainly isn’t as if i’d be enlightened next week if only i had the right pronounciation key.
hah. yes, i’m making fun of myself.
me and my hungry, goofy needs to ‘do it’ and ‘do it right’. hah!
what’s the rush? not like i’m going to get away from the things i’m seeing of myself anytime soon. not even with the right chant.
stars. looks like the universe wins again. i should be in a cocoon.