some time ago, i purposed to do a series of contemplation on the eightfold path. life decided to jump up and snarl the traces for a time and i did not proceed as planned. i am doing so.
this is the fourth of what will eventually be eight posts, upon the eightfold path as outlined in the Buddhist tradition: Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration.
the first time i read about Right Action, it occurred to me that it is impossible. mostly because the very act of living and breathing is to kill things. bacteria. insects inadvertantly trodden, etc. and i was tempted to get bogged down in the impossibility of it all until i remembered intent plays a role as well.
the active effort toward behaving positively and with compassion toward others i am still learning. that many times, my motivations and intent is good, but my execution is unskillful (horrible pun. ack. sorry) is a weight here, as the outcome is less than what is wished for others. very hard. very hard indeed.
in truth, i have become so despairing of this that i have simply withdrawn from attempting to interact beyond the most rudimentary things. this, a result over many years of being repeatedly unable to sustain positive relationships. a thing i’m seeing more clearly of late, for all it remains deeply disturbing to me.
the terrible part is, i am not an actively or deliberately negative or hurtful person. and yet, it just seems impossible for me to be around others without them winding up hurt. i cannot say i understand it at all. but i begin to accept it. reluctantly, i admit, but nonetheless.
whatever it is that is so well hidden in my blind spot… vexes. haunts. i do not know how to adequately express the feeling of wishing the best and consistently being condemn as only being capable of the worst. admittedly, this, a sore spot from the latest catastrophe, so perhaps i’m still too bruised to see it in less than truly hopeless perspective.
it seems Right Action is about intent rather than outcome, but it is the outcome that forever seems to fox me. maybe that’s the problem. do i worry too much for the outcome? perhaps.
i understand the concepts of Right Action, and, in most cases (admittedly, not all) this is one of the eight i feel some small sense of ability in… for all the outcomes forever seem to be less than is hoped.
i am not a promiscuous person. i do not theive. i am painfully carefully with regard to tending properly to not acting with malice or other than good intent toward others.
i do not lie. in fact, by any account, i’m very likely too honest.
nonetheless, the ongoing joke between myself and several friends is that i’m ‘the angel of death’. i grimace to admit it. it is a known thing that wherever i go, wherever i show up, things start happening. so much so that no matter what the situation was when i got there, by the time i’m moving beyond it, it is either on its head or completely something else.
my kinder friends dub me a ‘catalyst’ or an ‘agent of change’. one calls me ‘a force of nature’ hah. as if.
i’d prefer very much not to be any of those things, since it seems all i can accomplish in the world around me is ’52 pick up’… it is strange though… i used to be ok with it. not resigned, not despairing, not angry or resentful. i’m not sure where i lost that equanimity in relation to this.
i sometimes wonder. my lama says all things serve as they can. frankly, i’m afraid that means i’m supposed to be some foxed up karmic tornado, unable to touch down but that great clods of earth are spewing and anything pleasant or enjoyable to others is set to ruin.
with all this bubbling in my head lately, i’m not at all sure where i am with regard to Right Action. i know my motivations and intentions are good. i know i do not try to hurt others. i know i am forever thinking of how to be good to others.
it just never quite seems to work out that way.
what the hell does one do, looking at that?
cry? oh yeah.
sigh? yup.
wonder why? all the time.
i can’t manage to see all of this as helpful to others. when i try, it just seems like arrogance.
so here, at the end, i can’t say i’m any closer to feeling balanced on this than i ever am. i can say i understand what is meant by it. i can say i know i strive for it. i can even say this is known by most who know me.
but, with wreckage as my retinue and stormclouds as my cloak… how can i possibly say i manage it? do it? succeed? from all i have ever seen, i’m little more than an abject, abyssmal failure in when it comes to Right Action… for all my intentions are good.