seeking balance

i admit to some small confusion here. initially, i was advised to be kind and speak softly and tell all truth. i did so. the reaction, carried back as report, brought very different advice. speak firmly. speak of the suffering and injury given, insist that it be acknowledged and, more importantly, regretted, if any further contact is of interest.

frankly, it is not. of interest, that is. somehow, having this one, who is deeply treasured for insight and wisdom, say this… is more important than the many times i had said it to myself.

somehow, hearing it from him is Meaningful. and in his words, finally, the reality that there is no wrong in saying that hurtful, harmful acts by this other were and are improper, unwholesome, and wrong.

nor is there wrong in demanding care, kindness, compassion, and respect. the very things for which these two have been made teachers to create here. for which they have been removed from ‘reality’.

not for ‘me’ as an individual, but for me as other, same, all, and deserving of such things.

also for me as one who, before them both as they purport to embrace the Triple Jewels, is embraced by The Dharma as well as having actively demonstrated in word and deed my own effort and interest toward such things for them both.

well. until this.

the struggle here is as it ever was… to bank anger and develop understanding. i fully know why they act as they do. in a word — fear. i also know why it hurts here. in a word — pride.

it is difficult for me to understand why such good intentions and efforts that are here to do helpful and wholesome things are so roundly, soundly condemned.

it is difficult for me to understand why they choose such odd, warped, and negative assumptions of the motivation here.

is it so difficult to accept that, despite where i may land on the ‘scale of skillfulness’, it remains that good intentions and efforts, wish to aid, and patience with such hurtfulness that has been here… is anything less than it is?

obviously so.

in the face of such stubborn and willful unwholesomeness, i too, finally, gain insight. here, a tender and precious thing, and in many ways, balm long overdue. that it must arrive from anywhere but the hands that dealt the wound is, i suppose, to be expected.

the anger here is not admonished. i admit, that surprised me. but in it, i can see very clearly that of me which is in need of adjustment so, in future, anger is not such a ready response to ‘injury to me’.

and in truth, i smile for that. to see it is a blessing. to see it and begin to see how to shift it is, in all honesty, something on the order of a miracle.

to look at the mess itself from the perspective of standing beyond it, moving on, is simply a thing long overdue and a deep, complete, and total relief.

being stubbornly and willfully well intended is neither better nor worse than the stubborn and willful unwholesomeness, of course. but that is a thing i cannot yet mean… only say.

still, it is progress. it is a start.