at the risk of sounding goofy, i am so happy lately that i almost feel like i’ve fallen through the reality i knew and landed in a new one.
seriously. in the last two months, i come to grips with a number of important things with regard to myself, life, others, and the weird little thorns that remained are not only plucked from flesh, but tossed into the fire.
i’m learning it’s ok to be angry when you need to be. the outcome being that being angry isn’t the tsunami it was so often in the past. now that’s not to say my temper is any less terrible, but at least today, when i set it loose, there is good reason and the process is immediate, rather than holding it all inside until i can’t help but explode (and usually on someone who didn’t do a thing other than be in the wrong place at the wrong time).
i’m learning that trying to ‘be perfect’ is a pretty silly way to go about life. i’m not. i doubt i ever will be. and people who expect that of me have something really, deeply, and pervasively wrong going on inside.
including me. hah. but since i’m no longer expecting it… hah HAH!
i am also learning how to enjoy the life i have in this moment… which is very nice, indeed.
“in other news” (heh), i’m getting rid of relationships that contain people who either cannot or will not strive for good things. this, fairly new… as before now, i would wait and hurt and put all things on the back burner trying to help someone find the way to it.
but i’m learning that being other than who i am in relation to others isn’t as helpful as just being who i am in relation to them. odd as that may sound.
i wish i’d know that last year. i can think of a few bumps i’d not have endured. ah well. live and learn, eh? 🙂
i’m letting people who know how to be giving and kind get closer. a number of new friends lately and all of them so very wonderful. late night talks and spontaneous gathering and hugs ‘just because’ and well… wonderment.
and, of course, on top of it all, the slow, soft joy that is this continuing exploration of The Dharma.
hmm. maybe this whole new year thing affects me more than i admit.
i have a good friend back in georgia that i haven’t spent nearly enough time with… (waves to phil)… and i’m hopeful that he’ll be able to visit before summer arrives (as the CP likely won’t allow for it during the heavier, humid months). the thought of the beach and bookstores, coffee and chuckles with him… well, let’s just say i miss him.
and i’m about to start seriously working on lyrics again… which is exciting, because the ASCAP membership means there is no longer an impediment. i remember finding out that a certain known performer wouldn’t be able to use a set of my lyrics after all, and only because i wasn’t ASCAP registered. at that time, there were fees and such associated with it all and i set it aside because i wasn’t willing to pay that much to do what was, essentially, a hobby.
well. that’s changed. heh.
oh! when i upgrade machines later this year, i’m also going to get back into composition. at the moment, i’m piddling around over at splice, mostly spoken word and the intermittent toying with mixes. but i’m kind of looking forward to getting back into some real effort. i can’t decide if i want to do sounds, loops, and beats or actually take on complete arrangements. i doubt seriously i will do both. i’m kind of hopeful jimmy will get his studio up and running in time to save me the hassle of needing to book booth time.
lessee… what else. hmm. i’ll be getting my daughter’s domain up and running in the very near future. as my friend greg says, ‘Real Soon Now ™’. heh. i’m mildly enthused for it, more geek interest than any real need on her part. most of her networking is done offline and she hasn’t really developed the skillset to keep a domain cooking. so when it comes online, it will be a maintenance task for me. meh. we’ll see how it goes. i figure if i can get her on wordpress and off myspace, i’m contributing a good thing to the world.
oh. hah. i actually have pictures of myself after i don’t even know how many years of steadfastly refusing to let a camera catch sight of me. i don’t think i’m willing to put them all here, but there is one that just seems proper. all bedhead after a nap, no makeup, and completely free in the moment, i decided to snap a shot of myself after chasing my cats around for a few minutes, winding up laughing for their antics as they pursued little puffballs laced with catnip.
so, the result, a lightly out of breath, laughing, artless me:
i reckon that’s all for now.