good grief. as a result of a conversation with a friend today, i am given at last the puzzle piece that causes certain past encounters and events to snap into clarity.
this friend is someone i’ve been close to for quite some time, albeit usually at distance. we’ve met intermittently in life, and enjoy a genuine, caring relationship despite the months and sometimes, years, that elapse between chances to savor one another.
this friend is a psychiatrist, and has been very helpful in the process of dealing with a series of encounters over this year past. now that i am utterly free of it all, they reveal to me tenderly and with great gentleness a thing they were not willing to set before me in the midst of it for not wanting to hurt me.
i read the information provided, in particular this link, and it’s like watching a movie… every aspect highlighted… as if it were some odd classroom film of textbook examples.
my stars. it makes so much sense. no wonder it was so foxed and bizarre and impossible. no wonder all effort toward kindness and compassion could only be sliced and diced.
i shudder to think of such a narrow escape. to think of spending a lifetime like that. or even another moment.
my friend cried as they shared the months of their own worry and concern, kept carefully quiet in the face of my own hopefulness and happiness. and of how hard it had been to not jump in when i began going through the process of realization that allowed me to finally extricate myself from the briars of it all.
so kind in it all. as a true friend is. can i tell you how thankful the hug we shared? how grateful the care given is found, here?
they told me it is normal and usual to need to vent the repressed anger. i laugh, but ruefully. they follow my blog and so, know the themes and anger are still spiralling from me… but it is not as deep as it might have been.
so very very thankful that is the case. i very much have that feeling as if i have had a very narrow escape indeed. still shuddering with reaction to the reality of the near miss.
hah. near miss. i’ve never been so thankful.