every now and then, when least expected, when least deserved, someone is kind. and when they are, i am so pointedly aware of my own flaws and faults that it is difficult not to just curl up and weep forever for the sense of hopelessness and despair, me with myself.
here, a friend, being a friend, when it would have been all too easy not to bother.
thank you. thank you, friend. for believing. for trusting. for caring. for all the things i so often am unable to be, and for being my friend anyway.
On Thu, January 11, 2007 6:21 pm, ****** wrote:
> That explained alot. I guess my subject of echos meant more than i
> could grasp. But my name is ******, my friends call me ******. I
> was born raised in Bronx, NY. I been living in North Carolina since
> 89. I live by ******* Rule.
>
> 1.Faith.
> 2.Acceptance
> 3.Patience
> 4.Empathy
> 5.Non Volience
>
> I the song or mix I mad nettles of voices was not to pick or pull at
> nothing on a personnel level. I just used the self’s i heard in some
> of your recording to give a pop to the saying. On a deep level of
> what the self may hear.
first, before i say anything else — thank you. thank you for understanding when you didn’t at all have to, and thank you for being willing to listen… so many are not. thank you also for the kindness of forgiveness, which is also rare here, hence, cherished.
without too much detail (though i suppose there is a good bit already out there), i am trying to extract myself from what has been a year long agony fest with two others. it is like being stuck in the tar pit. the more i try to get out, the stucker i am.
and of late, their friends have been ‘in on the action’ which has brought me to a level of paranoia and fear that i never thought i would again endure. it too, is sticky and hard to shake.
when i heard that mix, what i heard was someone using all of my recordings to point out that most (if not all) of the things done here in some fashion reference self… which, in that moment, was set forth as such a pointed contradiction to the statement that i do not often think ‘of myself’ that i just …. despaired.
i wept. i weep now. this entire episode (2006) has shredded me in ways i cannot begin to explain. i am only now even beginning to pick myself up and still there are pieces that barbed and pulling.
all i want is to be free. i have tried so hard to be kind. i have worked so hard to be understanding. and it is impossible. admitting it is not yet the same as accepting it, of course. and this is why i still suffer. i’m working on it. but it is hard. sticky tar. sticky ego. i sigh.
> You are amazing person from what i have
> heard. The is my view of you. I like your views and you truth and
> your gifts. There more to you than i will ever know. I have no intent.
> I just was happy to have meet a new light in this world. It hard for
> me to connect with people on levels. I would like know more about you
> as the human being you are. I don’t want nothing beyond just being
> able to be inspired by you and see the clouds like you see them .
this makes me cry, too, but for different reasons. i have not had much gentleness in my life. and as you have seen, reflex of pain is still well out of my control. reaction to perceived intent to hurt happens before i can blink, let alone think.
i was so lost to find once more, i was wrong. when so many things pointed straight at it, or so it seemed. can i possibly convey how horrible it felt, feels? impossible. there are no words.
i am so tired of being the rubber band, forever snapping back at any touch.
i am so sorry. and i am just in the dirt humbled that you even speak to me after such a pitiful display.
> Maybe that’s wrong. But I see nothing that inspires me in my world. I
> long for the new and mystery. I long for a voice of thoughts
> ideas ,sounds, songs….
i have no idea what your world is like. then again, obviously, i have no idea what mine is like, either. i am surprised i inspire anyone at all. i am so often just stumbling around, barking my shins and stubbing my toes and cursing at the furniture like it did it on purpose when, forever and ever amen, it is me running into them.
sigh.
> so…….inspire me.(wink)
heh. now i am scared for the very thing i am thankful for. how silly is that? you say ‘inspire me’ and i whisper, ‘i don’t know how’. but maybe not knowing is knowing. seems it happened easily enough when i wasn’t thinking on it.
> Can you coax your mind from its wandering
> and keep to the original oneness?
> Can you let your body become
> supple as a newborn child’s?
> Can you cleanse your inner vision
> until you see nothing but the light?
> Can you love people and lead them
> without imposing your will?
> Can you deal with the most vital matters
> by letting events take their course?
> Can you step back from you own mind
> and thus understand all things?
no. not really. if i ever manage it at all, it is only because i’m not thinking on it. if i look at it, touch it, in any way set myself to it, it is immediately shattered, ruined, set to ashes.
my friends call me the angel of death. but i suppose that’s still an angel. i try to take comfort where i can. and not feel too sad for how everything flies apart if i get too close to it.
but it is sometimes hard.
> Giving birth and nourishing,
> having without possessing,
> acting with no expectations,
> leading and not trying to control:
> this is the supreme virtue.
>
> 10 ttc
the words make sense on the surface, but i am far too snarled to manage better. it seems only when i do nothing by volition do things happen that are other than harmful, hurtful.
maybe that really is ‘the answer’… all this time i’ve been thinking that thinking was… maybe thinking is just getting in the way. but it’s all i’ve got. well, that is often how it seems.
this too shall pass.