archival.
On Fri, January 12, 2007 3:18 pm, ***** wrote:
> So if you don’t mind me asking being a stranger and all…what got you
> to the Buddhist way?
well. i almost amended that after sending it. but it wouldn’t have been honest. but i’m glad you ask.
i’ve been buddhist all my life and didn’t know it. i found it in this life as a result of meeting someone. the same someone who taught me not to run away.
> Very curious about that. Also it is strange to me that you would select
> corners to hide in.
i don’t always know i’m choosing. sometimes i forget. sometimes it feels like that’s all i’ve got. yeah, sometimes, i’m just a stupid human. sometimes, it seems like what i want really doesn’t matter, but finding the way to still be there when someone else finally looks, cares, wants to… you see, one of the lessons in learning not to run away was to see how many times i have missed important things, beautiful, tender, loving things, because i was more concerned with myself and with getting away.
like the chance to tell my mother how much i loved her. like the chance to tell my son how much i cared before he stopped believing it. like the chance to tell my daughter how much i hated having to not take her with me. like the chance to inoculate so many others against the reality that i’m just as human and forgetful and moronic as anyone else… and just as likely to blindly hurt them… but that never, ever, ever, did i intend it.
i guess it just seems worth it, those corners. the just in case corners, the one more try corners. the willing to believe in the impossible corners. sure, they’re almost always empty. but somehow, that just makes them more beautiful when someone who expected them to be arrives and i’m still there.
only sometimes, even the hobo’s hobo has to move on, you know… make the sign of the empty circle with the left line passing through (hobo sign for ‘there’s no use going this way’) and let it go.
but i never want to leave those corners. i always feel as if i’m forgetting something important when i do. i always feel i’m letting that someone who arrives down.
> You are truly one special
> kitten……Also you seem to know alot about what good and bad for
> your universe.
no. really. i’m not. the more you say this, the more i see how untrue it is. look, i’m nothing. really. no one special at all. and frankly, i’m so tired of people coming to me smiling because they think i’m special. and how they leave in anger or disdain when they figure out i’m not special, i’m just like them. i always try to tell them. they never listen. and then, they hold it against me.
listen to me. i’m not special. really. and if i am special, then i’m only special in those ways that make me just like you. and most likely only those ways of which i am completely unaware.
>I find that to be amazing. For even I have not got that
> puzzle down. But I have learned in my short life so far…rain is good
> in all forms…..Oh an about what I learn from the
> ping,pop,boom…….is the same thing that I have always know. We not
> perfect. That letter is just another reminder of all things change.
> Change is good. Just like talking to strangers is good too..(wink)
well see, that’s one stupidity of mine that just might be grace. (crooked smile) i’m willing to talk to anyone. have been all my life. hell, used to get my ass kicked repeatedly by adults for talking to people ‘i shouldn’t be talking to’… from the “black kid” to the crazy homeless lady to the whore on the streetcorner to the con artist to the scary old guy who needed everyone to be afraid of him to … well… you get the picture.
hell, everyone has wisdom to share. even if some of it’s crazy and i’m not smart enough to get it yet. and honestly, some of the best friends i have in this life are people who i used to fight with so much and so hard that i’m kind of surprised we didn’t just shred the multiverse.
instead of finding common ground.
hm. you know, i think that is what makes heath and michael so hard. we were so close to the breakpoint. that place where every misunderstanding that could possibly be made had been, and understanding was the only thing possible because, literally, it was the only thing left.
sigh.
hands off. me talking to myself. stars. i am SO stubborn. i don’t even know where all this stubborn came from. i’d hate it, but it has saved my ass too many times. it has saved others too many times. it has saved too many times.
oh man. joss stone. ‘right to be wrong’. got to love the humor of the multiverse. i always feel like it’s a friendly thing, even if it’s a bit sharper than is comfortable sometimes.
i appreciate the things you send me. and the things you don’t. thank you.