archival. small edit at the beginning to correct my own grammar error. oh, the ego of the writer.
On Sat, January 13, 2007 3:19 pm, ****** wrote:
> You know what I fantasize about……I wish I could be a ego driven
> person. I wish I could be a materialistic person. I wish I could
> see only outer beauty.
>
> Silly I know. But I think ignorance is easier. I not and genius.
i often grouse about how i wish i could be ignorant. because ignorance seems to really provide bliss. or at least, the chance to not think, which sometimes seems like bliss when all this is running around in my head.
i read and study and Buddhism tells me these thoughts are ignorance, too. which is, of course, harder for me to get my head around. but sometimes, sometimes i think i almost get it.
sometimes, i think, maybe, what they mean is, the mind doesn’t really have all these thoughts. it just is. the same way that you, me, him, her, they, all of us… we are not the chemicals, we are not the reactions, we are not the process of reacting. we are what we are when there is nothing happening.
we are, nothing.
and i sometimes feel like that is really It. and i try to get close it and understand it. i can’t even try to being to say i think i can know it. but maybe that’s ok. maybe the discrimination of ‘knowing’ doesn’t matter. maybe even trying to say i ‘understand’ or ‘can understand’ or ‘am understanding’ as some king of ongoing process is too much weight for the featherness of it to really hold.
sometimes, that being-not-being, conceptualizing… trying to see it without looking at it… seems like The Answer.
but i don’t really want to know.
i suppose that sounds weird.
but i don’t really want to know because maybe if i feel like i know it i’ll just puff up like i always do…. stupid chihuhua of self yapping like ‘i’m somebody’ and getting all happy for ‘finding it’.
bleh. does it make sense that this is not or would not be helpful? sometimes i just think i’m snarled in a new kind of briar rather than making any progress. but maybe that’s just my way of not becoming mr. taco bell.
hah. mental flash. you have seen those commercials, yes? the taco bell ones? the dog always stands there with such a smarmy, knowing look. good direction and probably cgi… but still… he looks like he knows he knows. then he says, ‘Yo quero taco bell.’ and of course, i don’t speak spanish and so to me, it just sounds like he’s asked the white poodle to lock up with him. but he’s said it so suave and confident and easy that you just know they’re making heinz-57 puppies right now.
hrm. that’s a lot of imagery for so few sentences. trying to convey both the humor and the idiocy of me struggling against that sense of ‘knowing’.
gee. what was my point again? did i even have one?
> …..But
> the older i get….The less and less world around can fool me…… You
> would think with eyes like that ….I would be able to fix my own
> path.
> No luck on. weird.uhh
well, if it helps, i’m 41 and no more wise and a lot more the fool than anyone i ever meet. i have stopped trying to figure out where i am. every time i think i’m ‘on the path’ when i manage to even get a location at all, i’m just standing knee-deep in the weeds. again. as usual.
i’m starting to think it doesn’t matter where i am. maybe it’s just convenience. but i’m calling it grace. not mine, of course. the multiverse’s.
> Let me tell about my one dream that…..no I take that back…I have two.
since i’m blogging this, i’m not going to include your personal details. but those are interesting dreams. i used to know someone else who dreamt a lot about books. libraries, actually.
i wish i could say i had any idea what those mean. or what they might mean to you. i don’t. but i can ask… what do you think they mean? what have they meant to you?
> I am at a lost for words after reading this to
> myself….Reason being you may think I am crazy..It sounds crazy to be
> telling a stranger this stuff….I guess it’s funny to see the lights
> on…..in myself….so pure ,no guard, no shield. No Armor……..I
> guess that why i write you …for there nothing that we have but words
> and nice music put to words…..Two Stranger’s sharing insight and what
> make us Human…..(REAL SPOOKY) smile…..:)
well, it has been pretty well established that not only is there armor here, there are thermonuclear defense mechanisms. (wry grin) i willing to guess you have your own. but yes, it’s really comfortable and nice that we seem to be managing to avoid our respective mine fields.
and the more i talk with others, in email, by phone, face to face, the more i am beginning to think all we have are the words, the music, the art… and the funny-sad-amazing-horrifying thing is we’re all trying to reach each other and these things are all we have and the things we most often seem to be trying to share are the same. but not only are they they same. we all already know them. and can’t remember we do. and spend all this energy and effort and still are amnesiacs.
sometimes that makes me cry. sometimes it makes me smile. sometimes it doesn’t touch me at all. and sometimes, sometimes i remember the tower of babel and am almost convinced that was the last real true story ever written… and ever since, we’ve been living in it and we’ve forgotten that, too.