the last month and a half have been something of a quantum leap here.
somewhere along the way, the real point and purpose of practice has snapped into focus. along with quite a few other things. i’m actually hesitant to speak/write on it much. which feels weird, too.
it’s one thing to say ‘oh yeah, that’s a goal’ and quite another thing to not be looking at it from a distance, but find you’re in the thick of it. literally.
no panic. not even discomfort. just a strange kind of equilibrium… hard to describe. things that would, only scant weeks ago, have sent me into outright anger just… aren’t. and things that happen around me in the world just don’t seem to touch me in those negative ways nearly as much.
case in point… today… i decided to swing into wendy’s for lunch. this, an oddity, as i very rarely eat fast food. something about a wendy’s burger today though… heh. so there i am, in a line of cars, waiting to pull around.
and from the other side of the lot, a blue pt cruiser pulls alongside and then… deliberately… cuts right in front of me. now they can’t actually get into the line… but the manner in which they’ve done this insures i’m not going anywhere without hitting them.
the moment it happened, my very first reaction was, ‘well. would you look at that.’
followed by, ‘he must really be hungry.’
then, ‘and in a rush, to boot.’
then, ‘i wonder if he is happy to have cut in.’
then, ‘i wonder if he is happy.’
then, ‘if being here, getting into this line, makes his day a little bit brighter, i think that’s really good.’
and i smiled.
he placed his order and pulled around, i pulled up to the window. there were cars ahead of him, so he hadn’t made it to the window yet.
the lady at the window asks me for my order. i give it to her and then add, ‘and oh, hey… that blue pt cruiser? he’s next up at the window. i’m paying for his lunch. just tell him someone wanted to see him smile.’
and you know what? i’m still smiling.
something is really changing here. something deep. there is this very pervasive sense of… hrm… well… i don’t know if i can really describe it. the closest i can get is, ‘the happy i had all my life and forgot i had at all… it is growing, and all it wants to do is see you happy, too.’
fair warning, topic shift…
i spoke with my daughter today. she’s really stressed over school, work, some health issues, and the pressure of keeping it all rolling smoothly. i’ve been working on ways to help her find of interest the notion of taking care of herself. she never really does, and it sometimes hurts to see it.
we started talking about my son. she has such a need to see us become close. i don’t think she sees that is going to take time. and a willingness to work together that must be shared.
he is so angry, my son. and hurt. and i hurt for him in it. i remember so well how it felt to wonder and not know. and for all i provided the words, i should have known it would take more than words to convey it. especially in the face of others who needed to nourish themselves by setting it forth in much less compassionate ways.
my last communication with him was basically telling him that i loved him, i always have, always will, but until he was willing to speak openly and honestly to me, and work to hear me as much as i am working to hear him, it is likely best to let it simmer and settle.
in truth, there is part of me that does not think he will understand until he has children of his own. but i no longer think he will never understand. he is so much like me that i feel safe to think he has similar thoughts and needs with regard to things. time. time. in time, all things.
it is strange not to worry or fret over it. there’s just this really smooth sense that everything is exactly as it needs to be. for all the ache around my heart just seems to be intensifying.
hah. that. yes. another topic shift.
stars, but i am becoming such a softy. the poetry night on the 18th was me weeping off and on for most of it. i could feel so many things in that room. saw many more. it was like sitting in a sauna… only the currents were emotions and thoughts.
i actually feel as if i’m feeling things more rather than less. but it’s a contradiction… because all that feeling isn’t passing the experience of it to my mind. that’s the odd part. my mind is getting… i don’t know… detached. or something. i see things, feel things… have reactions both in thoughts and feelings… but they don’t seem to swamp me like they used to.
which is what makes it all feel like i’ve somehow leapt into another universe. i’m still me, i’m still here, nothing has really changed. or has it?
hmm.