someone wrote about having regrets for their poor choices and mistakes in relation to others. they said they see themselves do these things, but somehow, can’t manage to regret it until much later.
got me to thinking.
most of my experiences have been something of a reverse of this… being the one who tries and forgives and remains until there literally is no hope or benefit possible in it. then, regretfully, departing.
i have yet to see even a single one of those situations return, let alone be as they should always have been.
the regret is never for what is not, only what might have been… and never against another, just against whatever it was of me that was unable to relate in a manner that could be helpful.
realizing my best efforts only create negativity in others is a very hard thing to bear. and realizing how my worst ones continue to impede is a thing of true despair at times.
it is sometimes a struggle not to be angry for it. i still catch myself ‘going there’ and then, have to stop… reorient myself, pull all that back to me and set it to work on what of me (ego, pride, etc.) needs to be whittled away so that anger does not continue to live here.
i do wonder sometimes if those who were so hurtful ever think about it, or have regret. i like to think they do. but in the utter silence, sometimes that is difficult and i suppose it is still hanging onto ‘self’ and ‘pride’, too. so i try to chip away at that as well… whenever such thoughts arrive, i make myself stop and instead or remembering ‘the hurtful things they did to me’… imagine them living happy and fruitful lives and exchanging those angry or pained thoughts for thoughts of them finding all the things i wasn’t able to give or create with them.
that way, they remain not as thorns, but roses… and their presence as roses helps me keep in mind the things of myself to pay attention to when dealing with all others i meet in future.
all of which is a long way to say i guess i don’t really spend much time on ‘might have been’ or even ‘what may be’. there’s enough happening in the ‘now’ to keep me busy. heh.
don’t get me wrong, i have that space wherein anger and regret are too close together to do more than try to breathe through it. the comfort is that the space between the two is growing smaller. and the only real difference is that i am forcing myself to disconnect from the anger – literally set it apart from my mind – and then, dissect it.
for a very long time, i did not want to admit or accept that i could control my emotions. that just opened the door to a LOT of hard work. and a lot of paying attention to things i usually preferred not to… (crooked smile).
i still get angry. lots. but there’s a curious liberation in the acceptance of that control i spent so much time trying to avoid. now that no one is responsible for how i feel but me, the things others do, say, or choose aren’t slights to me, aren’t ‘them being terrible to me’, they’re just things. they don’t have to even as much as breathe on me.
even better, rather than be helpless and stomach with rocks in it, and anxious and sleepless and blood pressure through the roof and all the things that come with it, i can instead carefully look at it all from that ‘long view’ and say exactly where *i* screwed up and see just how i need to shift or change so i don’t do that anymore.
most times, the idea that such careful attention greatly reduces the chance i create that in others, or myself… it’s the best incentive i know. (grin)
the actual ‘purge’ process you mention i do too, i do it by laughing at myself…
“what did this other do to you, little ego? why do you feel like you deserve to be angry at this other? are you trying to tell me that somehow, i am more important than this other? why is that? come on little ego… lay it out… explain to me so i can agree with you that *i* am somehow more important, superior, special, deserving… ”
heh.
that usually gets me laughing pretty good. then, the anger is gone and i’m feeling all sheepish and the motivation to really see where all that pride and ego is hiding is revved up and ready to get to work.