this is a phrase most often used to give a context of where one ‘winds up’ at any moment in time.
generally, it is used in american english to refer to a state of mind resulting from a series of thoughts or some level of effort in consideration.
for example, “at the end of the day, i still put on and take off my pants one leg at the time… but only if i still have both my legs.”
heh. which is my way of saying i feel like i’m limping a bit.
the last few days has been a very direct and very pointed lesson in facing and accepting how truly unrealized i am. i say this both in the Buddhist sense as well as the human one. both are applicable.
and, contrarily, paradoxically, and confusingly, also the realization that despite this ‘unrealisedness’, i am still fully possessed of Buddha nature.
i’m just too obscured to know that beyond the fuzzy conceptualization of it.
this is the brick wall moment, of course. splayed out spread-eagle… i’d leave an indentation if the damn wall actually existed.
the frustration, of course, is that to me, here, in this moment, it is a very real thing. the grit in my face, the impact of it, the pain. all very real indeed.
it is a horrible feeling not for the pain of it, not for the grit, but for the feeling that i should know the damn thing doesn’t exist.
and the despair of that of me which insists it does.
unrealized.
the dictionary defines ‘realized’ as ‘to be fully aware of’.
‘un’ of course, is a negative. literally ‘not’.
i find that funny, because it results in the very definition i hear the Vajra Masters use… to not be aware of (to lack non-dual awareness).
i was laughing at myself the other day for feeling like i have made any progress whatever. even as i can very clearly and without ego say that even a month ago, i could not as much as thought some of the things i have written of experiencing lately.
i know there has been progress. but i also know in this moment that it is the tiniest, most pitiful half-nanometer movement in comparison to being realized.
i recently wrote to Rinpoche saying that perhaps mother wisdom would say to me, ‘that’s great, you took a step. but look there, at the mountaintop that is the destination. why are you so proud of that one step?’
of course, i was already saying that to myself. and looking to him to tell me which statement (that one, or one that congratulated me for the step) was the one worthy of thinking about… and, of course, i realize in this moment that neither are worthy. both are just my silly ego looking for nourishment.
sigh.
at the end of the day, i am still a foolish dandelion… for all i hear that somewhere, i am also a rose.