i have a hard time reconciling the things i read with the ways i see others apply them.
i think it has been a profound mistake to attempt to interact with or listen to others. i say this in relation to the sangha with which i have been involved, but in truth, i suppose it could as well apply to everything, everyone.
the time spent with this sangha has, in every instance, every moment, been to see unkindness, selfishness, egoism, and pride consistently impede everything. theirs and mine. hear me, i completely embrace my own fault. even as they refuse to do the same.
i think about the day spent at Losar and what a blessed and peaceful time that was… how it felt to just be there and just be and not have anything touch me in any way.
then i think about the fact that it has been literally impossible to as much as share a thought with the local sangha without them swelling up like puffer fish and either yelling at me about how messed up i am or looking down their nose at me and being ever so willing to remind me how unable and pitiful i am.
the singular, shining exception in the last three months being Losar and the folks of the ***** Sangha and the day i took refuge itself. it has been like night and day. someone recently told me i should shop around for a Sangha. it landed kind of odd. aren’t all Sanghas part of the greater Sangha? so shouldn’t they all be the same insofar as welcoming, listening, helping?
but believe me, i find how wrong i was to think so. utterly. utterly wrong.
i resigned from it. point blank. done. last i checked, they were clucking to one another about how they should just shun me. ignore me. yeah, that’s so compassionate and helpful. i didn’t wait for the big circle with the slash through it that reads “no fenix allowed” to appear.
thanks for the ‘welcome’, folks… thanks for helping me understand what being a Sangha is all about. thanks for all the kindness.
*cough*
um. yeah. right.
oddly, i’m not angry. i’m just disgusted. in fact, i was so disgusted this morning that i seriously thought i was going to drop Buddhism all together. i even left my wrist mala at home… having flung it on the desk in revulsion for the things seen, heard, and experienced… not because that mala is responsible…but because that mala was made and sold to me by one of them… and thinking of the way they treat others (not just me, mind you), in this moment, is just a disgusting thing.
the instant i felt like dropping Buddhism, it just felt like i was going to fall into a bottomless pit. i’m just not able to do that. so… instead… i’m just… not doing a thing. trying not to think about any of it. sick, sore, and sad.
i’m reminded of HHDL’s story about the three people by the raging river… the tale of what compassion really is… and in this moment, drowning, i have just enough air to whisper to myself, ‘why is it they’d rather see me drown than knock my ass out to save me?’
which, of course, brings home in a way i cannot ignore that… of all the places i should be… that is not among the number.
and so it goes… homeless again, and you know, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. i think about how these monks live… and i think about the connotations that ‘home’ holds for me… and i realize that breaking that attachment might not be such a bad thing. maybe.
oh yeah. i said i was taking some time off from this, didn’t i? well. looks like that wasn’t such a bad idea, doesn’t it?
consider me thumping myself on the head for not setting it down. and then, listen… because if you do, you’ll hear a decidedly ceramic thunk that is me SETTING THIS DOWN for now.
~*THUNK*~
addendum 1: hah! now here’s some humor for you… every day, until i can figure out how to stop them, i get horoscopes delivered to my cellphone. they send me leo and virgo because i’m on the cusp.
not two seconds after i hit ‘save’ on this post, my cellphone goes off… so ok, i go look and read….
Leo: You have a great reserve of willpower. Tap into it today. Stay the course.
Virgo: It’s good to stand up for what you believe in, but today you should be flexible.
Hah!
addendum 2: got an email from a friend who remains there telling me they have decided they ‘should just ignore me’ that i’m obviously ‘acting out’ and my statement that i was convinced that wasn’t a place i should be was just ‘self-pity’. two things occur at this point… #1, what kind of friend actually relays such hurtful things? #2, if that is really the only conclusion they can reach, that just underscores how completely worthless the idea of being there is.
the sad part, of course, is that the bully they let run loose is sure to be right back at it and just as several there have already stated, they’ll leave rather than undergo what they’ve seen me endure trying to get the point across that he isn’t helping anyone.
which, of course, is the real lesson in it all — there is no sense in trying to change such things. they are as they are and the best course of action when they are seen is to simply leave. this, insight i wish i’d had several days ago.
better late than never, i suppose.